Archive - September 2010

At Least They Counted Right

            My disdain for women’s magazines’ attempts to tell you ladies what men are REALLY thinking is well-documented.  And I still contend that the articles are written by women or the men interviewed for said article were interviewed in the presence of the woman with whom they were currently having sex, or at least, trying to have sex with.  Cosmo’s September 2010 issue did absolutely nothing to undermine my theory.  Splashed across the cover was this scintillating headline:

            Guy Sex Confessions:

                37 Things He Doesn’t Have

 The Balls To Tell You

            Get it?  “Balls?”  Oh Cosmo, you so crazy.   What’s important to remember as you read this, is that Cosmo worded their headline to imply that these will be deep, dark secrets from the inner-workings of men’s brains.  They will be shocking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don’t worry though, I’ll probably remind you in case you forget.

            The layout is the usual – quotes from the men they interviewed relating to any of several subjects.  So let’s just jump in and see what shocking things are going on inside men’s minds.

The very first quote comes even before the intro by the writer and isn’t attributed to anyone, which is a shame for you ladies, because if it had said, “Bobby, age 23” you could at least avoid dating all 23-year-old guys named Bobby.  The quote is this:  “I’m always wishing she’ll leave something behind in the bed.  If it has her scent on it, I have my nose buried in it until the next time I see her.”  Ugh.  If this is true, there are only two possibilities here.  One – the individual is not an adult male, but is in fact a 12-year-old girl who has “like totally read New Moon like a bajillion times.”  If the individual is an adult male, then we go to option two where the word “creepy” suddenly becomes an understatement of biblical proportions.  And in no small part because, let’s face, if your date is going to leave an article of clothing in your bed, it’s not going to be her shirt or pants, because she’ll need those.  Probably won’t be her bra, because those are expensive.  So what’s small, cheap, and easy to lose (other than Vern Troyer, zing!).  That’s right.  Panties.  Yeah.  That’s not disturbing or disgusting.

So now we come to the author’s intro, where he starts with the sentence – “Let’s face it: You women are pretty up-front about sex.”  Ah, so we’re pandering to our audience already?  Well, this article certainly won’t be filled with stuff women want to hear.  No, no.  It’ll be hard-hitting and honest.  Anyway, the author says that he has come to this conclusion from having seen “Sex and the City.”  <screeching brakes>  “Sex and the City?”  If he’s seen “Sex and the City,” he’s lost all “guy cred.”  That’s simply not done.  And I don’t mean that it’s frowned upon.  I mean, it’s not done.  Guys don’t watch that show.  Regardless, let’s go ahead and get to the meat (see Cosmo, I can do crappy innuendos, too (also, hee-hee, “meat”)) of the article.

Here’s a quote from “What He Loves in Bed.”

 “My girl will get all freaky out of nowhere and rip off my pants in public places.  I’m not complaining, but I like to shower and prepare my boys so I don’t offend her nose and taste buds, if you know what I mean.”  Yeah, we know what you mean, Ross, age 24.  You weren’t actually being subtle.  Also, shut up.  You may not be complaining, but it sounds like you’re bragging.  And, the only reason you like to “shower and prepare my boys” is because your last girlfriend wouldn’t get within ten feet of you unless you had just “freshened up,” if you know what I mean.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t give a damn.

From “…And the Little Requests He’d Like to Make,” Patrick, 30, tells us about being with girls who want him to lick chocolate of them.  “It’s cool that they’re into trying new things, but I can’t stand the sweet crap.  Sometimes I’m more nauseous than turned on after a few licks.”  Oh shut, Patricia.  What say you strap on a pair and enjoy licking a woman?  Hell, even lesbians like that stuff.

From the “Weird Turn Ons” section:

Ken, 24, likes to see guys at a bar flirt with his girlfriend.  You’re a real deviant there, Ken.  Now shut up and put some more mayo on your turkey and wonder bread sandwich with the crusts cut off.  While JJ, 29, gets in the mood when his girl has had a bad day at work.  What?  Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, JJ?  You get randy when your girl is too pissed off to want to have sex with you?  Next.  Chip, 27, likes it when his girl’s hair is all disheveled.  Sweet Jesus.  You just know that when Chip answered this question his girlfriend was right beside him in the middle of a bad hair day.  That’s not weird, Chip.  That’s stupid.  But Gill, 31, is here to save the day.  He gets all horny when his wife rubs herself (oh yeah) with lotion (you damn right) on like, her shoulder and stuff.  What?!  I can only assume that Gill hadn’t gotten any in a while, and at the time the question was posed, his wife was lotioning up her eczema over on the chaise lounge.  Good luck with that, Gill.

In “His Insecurities,” David, 30, confesses that he studies sex scenes from romance novels because “they are like cheat sheets for getting a girl’s pants off.”  Meet David, ladies and gentlemen, he’s 30.  Now, I’ve never read a romance novel, but what I’ve gleaned from the covers is that women just want to ride side-saddle on a horse around a pirate ship.  Not sure how that helps me, but it seems to be working for David.  Got get ‘em, killer.

And a couple of gems from “When He Doesn’t Want Sex:”

Kevin, 26, admits that if he isn’t interested, “it’s always because I tapped myself a few times earlier that day fantasizing about someone else.”  Well, in addition to knowing that Kevin is 26, we also know that he is unflinchingly honest, and single.

And then there’s Oliver, poor, poor, 21-year-old Oliver.  “Once in a while, I’ll get so worked up when I masturbate that I’ll chafe my penis.  If I don’t skip sex, I’m too freaked out she’ll hurt me when she touches it, then grill me about how I got all sore there in the first place.”  Jeez Louise, Oliver.  Really?  I don’t mean to brag, but I mastered injury-free masturbation when I was 13.  Sure, it took a lot of practice, but who’s laughing now, Oliver?  Who’s laughing now?

The final section is entitled “Secrets You Don’t Want To Hear.”  Wait, I thought the whole article was supposed to be secrets and shocking and stuff.  Oh well, now we’re on the good stuff.  The subheading says: “There are some things your guy thinks and does that are far too stupid/appalling for serious consideration.”  Oooh, I’m all excited now.  Appalling.  My favorite word in an article about sex.  I’m gonna skip what I assume were the “stupid” ones, though honestly they’ve all fallen into that category so far, and just stick with “appalling.”  Of course, no names were given for the safety of the participants.

-             He tried on your hot new pushup bra and chicken cutlets to see what it was like to have boobs….and felt himself up.  Well, unless your boyfriend is a 9-year-old, this didn’t happen. 

-             Listening to Phil Collins’ “No Jacket Required” really gets him in the mood.  How is this appalling?  Other than the fact this guy is still listening to Phil Collins.  (Also appalling?  The grammar at Cosmo.  In the article it was “Phil Collin’s.”  Who is Phil Collin?  Why did he have an album with same name as Phil Collins?  Sorry.  Grammar rant over.)

-              He learned that new move after watching a “Sex and the City” marathon on TBS.  Remember up near the top, when I said guys don’t watch that crap?  Yeah, he got that new move from porn.  He told you “Sex and the City” because he didn’t want to fucking hear about his porn habit for the next three hours.

These were the worst of the worst, the most appalling of the lot.  And this, ladies, is why you’ll never, ever, really know what we think about.  Because this is the kind of stuff that qualifies as appalling according to women’s magazines.  We’re not stupid.  If you really think this qualifies as a shocking expose, the kind of crap that really crosses our minds would give you an aneurism.  Probably three.  And that’s if we’re not even trying.  So go ahead and read the whole article, and if any of it is the least bit surprising to you, well, as Jack Nicholson once said, “You can’t handle the truth.”

On the plus side, there were in fact 37 quotes.  That’s a step in the right direction. 

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