Archive - September 2009

Jesus, Not This Again!


            As you may or may not know, my current job situation is 80% stay-at-home dad, and 20% “Damn it, why can’t I get published?!”  Since both of those will some day come to an end, one way or another, I keep my eye out for opportunities.  And it would appear that I have found my calling should this writing thing not work out.  I’m going to be editor of a woman’s magazine.  Seriously, how much work could that be?  Every magazine is the same, every month:

                        Must Have Fashions For (insert upcoming season here)!

                        6 Steps To A Slimmer You!!

                        Dating Horror Stories!

            And of course,

                        Sex Moves That’ll Have Him Begging For More!!


            I’m not saying men’s magazines are any better.  They all boil down to:

                        (insert next season’s sport) Preview!!!

                        Tech Gadgets You Can’t Afford!!

                        Cars You Can’t Afford!!

                        Look, Boobs!

            As you might have guessed, I’m taking umbrage (as I have before) with the sex tips articles.  I’ve gone on record before as saying that it is profoundly silly to seek advice on men’s sexual desires in a women’s magazine.  But mostly I’m mad because A.) we’re not that mysterious, and B.) I have already written the definitive work on the subject, which boils down to simply: oral, anal, and threesomes (the good kind, not the kind with 2 dudes).  But this didn’t stop the good people at Cosmo, who, in their September issue, published the article “50 Sex Tips” stating on the cover “Trust Us: You’ll Be The First Girl Naughty Enough To Try #43 On Him!”  The article was written by Lisa Jones.  Lisa Jones.  Lisa.  Jones.  Now, anything is possible, but I’d be very surprised if Lisa had a penis.  And if, as I suspect, she doesn’t, then she is incredibly unqualified to write such an article.  But let’s humor the good people at Cosmo, and see what they had to say.

            The article starts off with this sentence.  “We talked to the leading penis-pleasing experts and collected a mind-blowing collection of creative techniques for you to try.”  I’m going to ignore that a huge magazine like Cosmo used the phrase “collected a…collection.”  But what the hell are penis-pleasing experts?  I can only assume porn stars, or, geez, I don’t know, men.  Though I suspect Lisa interviewed neither. 

            I also need to point at that she uses the word “smooches” in this article.  “Smooches.”  In an article.  That’s not in Tiger Beat.  Moving on.

            The article breaks down these randy sex tips into four sections.  The first section is comprised of 13 “tips,” all of which boil down to “Touch His Penis.”  And yeah, we like it when you do that.  Not sure you need 13 “tips” on that.  Just touch it.  K, thanks.

            The second section, or tips 14-23, is, for all intents and purposes, “Touch His Balls.”  Yeah, nine tips on that.  And yes, we like that too.  But if you don’t already know that, then you’re 11-years-old and really shouldn’t be reading Cosmo.  Lisa did have a couple worth mention here:  #16 – “Play with light pinching of the scrotum.”  Don’t do that.  Well, are you going to believe me, or the scotum-less author?  And #23 – “As you’re cradling his testicles with one hand, place a knuckle from your other hand against his perineum (the super-sensitive area between his testicles and anus) and vibrate it.”  Hey, maybe your man will enjoy this, but most likely he’s just going to give you a look that says, “Umm, why are you punching me in the asshole?”

            The third section, really surprising sex tips #24-38, is pretty much, “Lick and/or Suck His Penis.”  I know, I know, this is real groundbreaking stuff here.  Here’s just about all you need to know, if we don’t want you to do it, then you’re really, really bad at it.  I mean, really bad.  Lisa and her “penis-pleasing experts” offer this idea up: #27 “Shallow Throat” – in which you press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, and when the tip of his penis hits your tongue, it will give him a similar feeling to when deep throat.  Says the girl with no penis.  My guess is a friend of Lisa’s told her about it, and Lisa tried it on her boyfriend.  She then asked him if he liked it, and he said, “Uh-huh,” because he’s not a moron.  At which point Lisa thought, “Hey, Peggy was right!  It really must feel like deep throat!”  So you can try “Shallow Throat” if you want, but if you’re already giving your man “Deep Throat,” then guess what you’re still going to be doing.

            Now comes the much-anticipated fourth section.  This must be where it gets good, right?  We’ve covered the basics, with 38 tips on “touch and lick.”  So now we’re getting somewhere.  This section is titled, “Mix It Up.”  Oh yeah. 

39.    Wrap his tie/your panties around his package blah blah blah.

“Package?”  Really?  Should you “smooch” it, too?

40.    Suck on his head.

Uh?  How is this “mix it up?”  That’s BJ 101.

41.    Drag your long hair up and down his body and penis.

This is called teasing.  It is frowned upon.

46.    Hand job with latex gloves on.

That sounds great.

49.    Place a vibrator on the outside of your cheek while your giving him


     Also a good way to make sure none of your fillings are loose.

            Remember the cover mentioned “You’ll Be The First Girl Naughty Enough To Try #43 On Him?”  And what was crazy #43?  Was it a rim job?  Was it bondage?  Was it a blindfold, or sex in a public place?  (drum roll)

43.   Tickle him with a soft, clean make up brush.

Why you little whore!!  A make up brush?!  On my nether regions?!!  Heavens’ to Betsy!!  The guys at the lodge would never believe this!!  My word!!

Let me break this down.  Will you be the first girl to try this on him?  Probably.  Will this make you naughty?  No.  Will this make him look down and say “Did you just put rouge on my nutsack?”  Yes.  Yes it will.

            Look, ladies, it’s real simple:  Touch it.  A lot.

            Any questions?


Side Note:  Cosmo has a section entitled “Ask Him Anything – Advice From Our Guy Guru.”  Written by a guy.  Sounds good, right?  Here’s the first sentence I read in his advice column – “As any Beyoncé fan (like me!) knows…”  (shakes head)  Unless your question is about hemlines or hair color, do not take advice from this “man.”


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