Archive - October 2010


Spamalot!

 

            I donít get spam.  I mean, I get spam.  All the time.  I mean, I donít understand why people bother to still send it.  It canít work, right?  Even though it costs like three dollars to email ten million people.  Nobody clicks that anymore do they?  Even at three dollars per ten million, it just seems like a waste of your advertising dollar if no one under the age of seventy even thinks about falling for it.  Not that Iím getting a dig in on people over seventy.  Because thereís no doubt in my mind that in thirty years, Iíll have to have one of my kids come over to fix my Holo-Deck because ďthe sumbitch has gone screwy again!Ē  And then theyíll get there and lecture me Ė ďDammit, Dad!  Everybody knows that you canít make eye contact with the Filipino hooker in Sim City 18.  Of course she gave you a virus.Ē  Then, Iíll giggle like a school girl, and theyíll roll their eyes and say, ďThis is the third time this month for fuckís sake!Ē  Then Iíll complain about how they make it like this on purpose and how things used to work they way they were supposed to and how dare they change the time my favorite show is on and Iím pretty sure their mother changed the settings on the Robo-Butler so he doesnít put salt on the food anymore because God for-fucking-bid I actually have some flavor in my food.  Itís gonna be awesome!

            But I digress.  Instead of just automatically deleting the spam that makes it through, I decided to read some of them.  And some of them are actually pretty entertaining.  Here are some of the better ones:

 

            Subject:  You have got new message(dating)

            Content:  Dear member of our D a t i n g site!

                            You have 7 unread messages from ladies.

                            Please, check them (link)

            Me:  Well, I donít remember ever signing up for a dating service, but I got this email, so I must have!  What could possibly go wrong?!

 

            Subject:  Donít make it at home           

            Content:  Donít make it at home Ė (link)

            Me:  Oooooo-kayÖ..

 

            Subject:  Hi (redacted), get 80% off. the Jesus architecture

            Me:  the Jesus architecture?  Iím intrigued. 

            Content:  Not sure, didnít download picture.  Dur.

            Me:  Disappointment.

 

            Subject:  Kazak crater suggest asteroid hit

            Content:  Watch it grow bigger  (link)

            Me:  Watch what grow bigger?  The crater?

 

            Subject:  Your bank details stolen

            Me:  Oh no!!!

            Content:  Let your lady achieve orgasm more easily, try this out now (link)

            Me:  Hey, thatís misleading!!

 

            Subject:  Ride her like a mofo

            Me:  Hee-hee.  Mofo.  Who says mofo anymore?

            Content:  A gentleman is judged by his size (link)

            Me:  Ainít that the truth.

 

            Subject:  Thread reopened

            Me:  Uh, okayÖ

            Content:  Thread reopened (link)

            Me:  Uh, okayÖ.

 

            Subject:  Nicole Kidman/David Beckham/Cameron Diaz died

            Me:  Donít care/donít care/donít care

            Content:  Didnít bother.

 

            Subject:  Britney bikini shoot

            Me:  Oh my God!  Britney in a bikini!!  Wait, is it 2001 again?!

            Content:  Unleash the abomination in you when you complete the course of this medication (link)

            Me:  Ummm, no thanks?

 

            Subject:  McCane caught nude on public

            Me:  McCane?  Oh, they must mean John McCain.  EwwwÖ.

            Content:  Oh hell no, Iím not opening that.  What if itís real?

 

            Subject:  Become extra stiff down there

            Me:  Down there?  Down whereÖ.oh, down there.

            Content:  Picture.  Did not download.

 

            Subject:  Playboy playmate revealed

            Me:  Yeah, thatís not really news.

            Content:  Amazing lovemaking need not be a myth - find out more here (link)

           

            Subject:  Restore madness of youthís lechery

            Me:  Okay, Iím not opening that.  But thatís an awesome sentence.

 

            Subject:  Slam it into her today

            Me:  Hmm, I wonder what this is about?

            Content:  College girls webcam live stream Ė free

           

            Subject:  Kiss her underneath

            Me:  Underneath what?

            Content:  Make her hot and horny (link)

            Me:  Oh.

 

            Subject:  Jimi Hendrix sex tapes available

            Me:  Um, sure?

            Content:  Give her the best time of her life with this (link)

            Me:  What about Jimi?

 

            Subject:  Our pilules give ero-prowess

            Me:  Ero-prowess?  Tell me more.

            Content:  Picture.  Did not download.

 

            Subject:  Hey (redacted)

            Me:  Hey.

            Content:  I was wondering, whenever you get a chance, if you could e-mail me the rules and regulations as well as playoff setup that we received a few weeks ago for the Thursday Night Fun Bunch?  We can't find the copy you gave us anywhere. 

Thanks advice,
Norris English

            Me:  Well, I donít know this person, nor do I have any idea what the fuck he(?) is talking about, but let me just open this attachment anyway.


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