Archive - November 2010


Calvin Coolidge Was Awesome

            I recently spent some time on the Planned Parenthood website for none of your fucking business.  While there, I stumbled upon their glossary and gave it a perusal.  Now most of it is quite boring.  Medical terminology, or basic sexual terms that everyone learned by 8th grade, and even if you didn’t, they aren’t so difficult to figure out, really.  But some.  Some were awesome.

Ally - a friend.

Uh, yeah.  I think we got that.

 

Bear - slang for men, especially gay men, who may be burly and hairy and who reject the most popular ideas of what it is to be attractive.

Okay, maybe not everyone knows this one.  The real question is, why is this term coming up on Planned Parenthood.  Is this really the site you go to for figuring out gay slang?  Can I suggest a more comprehensive place?  Like, the rest of the Internet?

 

blue balls - slang for uncomfortable feeling in the genitals that may occur when men do not have an ejaculation following sexual stimulation. Women may experience similar aches if they do not reach orgasm. Because of sexist influences, there is no common expression to describe a woman’s symptoms.

First, Meeeee-ow!! 

Second, sexist?  Really?  You’re gonna play the sexism card because some 14-year-old boys didn’t bother to come up with a slang term for a condition they didn’t even know girls might suffer from.  Jeez.  Fine, you’re clearly upset by the lack of a slang term for your vaginal aches.  So let me think……okay, we’ll call it “Burnt Umber Vagina.”  Ya happy now?

 

Boner - slang for an erect penis.

In 1983.

 

Bundling - a custom in colonial North America that allowed an unmarried young woman and man to sleep together, usually with a “bundling board” running the length of the bed between them, or with the young woman enclosed in a “bundling bag” that reached up to her armpits.

Man, I thought I’d been cock-blocked by a lot of things….

 

continuous abstinence - going without sex play for long periods of time — months or years.

AKA, me, in high school.

 

Coolidge Effect - the shortening of the amount of time it takes for a man to be able to become erect again after orgasm by the appearance of a new potential sex partner. The name of this effect is based on one of the stories about President Calvin Coolidge and his wife, Grace, who were on different tours of the same farm in the Midwest. After learning that one rooster could have sex with a whole flock of chickens, Mrs. Coolidge sent a message to the president saying that it would be nice if he were as energetic as the rooster. President Coolidge responded by sending the First Lady a message in which he observed that the rooster seldom visited the same chicken twice.

First, I never knew this.  Second, Calvin Coolidge is my new favorite president, edging out William Henry Harrison.

 

Cruising - searching for a sex partner in public places.

Well, if you do it in their homes, it’s called “breaking and entering.”

 

Don Juanism - the desire by a man to have sex very frequently with many different partners.

Also called, “being a guy.”

 

double standard - unequal expectations, moral standards, or rules that allow one group to have more privileges than another group within a society. A sexual double standard, for example, usually places more restrictions on women than on men.

I’m beginning to suspect a woman may have written this glossary.

 

early ejaculation - ejaculation that happens before a man wants it to.

Yeah, that’d also be, “most of them.”

 

ejaculatory inevitability - the moment during sexual excitement when a man cannot stop his ejaculation.

Cue Tracy Jordan – “Oh, this is happening.”

 

Merkin - a wig for the genitals, used from the 16th to the 18th centuries by people who had lost their pubic hair due to small pox or scarlet fever.

Man, to think about how much time I spend shaving, and all I need to do is get a little bit of scarlet fever.

 

Mooning - exposing one’s buttocks to other people.

Really, Planned Parenthood?

 

Nymphomania - an excessive desire by a woman to have sex very frequently with many different partners. (Outdated and offensive.)

This glossary is starting to get kinda preachy.

 

Prostitute - sex worker. (Often considered offensive.)

Wait, what?  I guess calling someone this who isn’t a prostitute might be offensive. 

 

refractory period - the time after ejaculation during which a man is not able to have an erection.

Or as I like to call it, “Naps-ylvania.”

 

right-to-life - an expression that anti-choice people use to describe being anti-choice. The expression has limited meaning because it does not encompass a woman’s right to life, only that of the embryo or fetus she carries.

Oh shit!  Right-to-Lifers got called out in a fucking glossary!!  It’s on now!!!!

 

self-abuse - masturbation.

self-love - masturbation.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it funny that “abuse” and “love” mean the same thing when self-referential?

 

sexual mores – a society’s attitudes, customs, and expectations regarding sex and sexuality. For example, one of the sexual mores in the U.S. is that boys are allowed more sexual freedom than girls.

Okay, okay.  We get it.  Bitter much?  Jeez, do you think that maybe someone who later went on to write glossaries for Planned Parenthood got called names in high school for her friendly advances toward the soccer team? 

 

shaft - structure of erectile tissue and nerves that is shaped like a column and forms the body of the penis and the clitoris.

Shaft is a bad mother - 

Shut yo mouth!!

I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft!

 

tribadism - sex play between two women who lie face-to-face and rub their clitorises against one another.

Go on………


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