Archive - November 2009

“It’s A Trap!”


            I’ve penned several missives making fun of the sex tips you see in women’s magazines.  No, I’m not apologizing.  The articles are stupid.  They’re articles on how to please a man written by women.  And there are way too many of them.  It’s like writing 3207 articles on how to boil water.  If you haven’t figured it out after a few attempts, you’ve got a pretty serious problem.  And, yes, I’ll do it again.  Because it’s easy and I’m lazy.  Same reason you’re bound to see me making fun of pop songs again.  Probably next month.

            But it did occur to me that, to be fair, I should look at the other side of the coin.  So I did my usual half-assed research looking for articles in men’s magazines about how to please a woman.  I found a few, but to be honest, they weren’t nearly as much fun.  For one, women wrote them, which automatically gives them an edge on their counterparts.  But the big problem was that, for the most part, they were just collections of quotes by women on what those particular women liked.  And really, that’s only helpful if you’re dating that exact woman. 

            So naturally, I was despondent.  In doing this research, I had lost precious minutes where I could have been watching porn playing Xbox doing laundry.  Plus, now I had nothing to write about.  So I decided that what I needed to do was write one myself, with actual, useful information men could use to help them in the bedroom.  And I feel pretty good about this one.  I have, after all, had sex with well in excess of four women.  So I think I know what I’m talking about.


  1. Size DOES Matter

     Look, you can’t break a car window with a pebble, we all know that.  Or, some metaphor that actually makes sense.  The point being, if a woman who has seen you naked says this to you, you have a small dick.  No.  Don’t bother arguing. 

     Now, I personally wouldn’t know, having been described as “too big for porn.”  But if you are on the petite side, you do have a couple of options.  Be really, really, really good at oral sex.  Like lesbian good.  Or be really, really, really rich.  Like Bill Gates rich.  I’m not entirely sure how you’d go about accomplishing either of those, but I don’t need to.  I’m huge.  You?  Yeah, you probably need to get on that.

  1. Embrace Your Whiskey Dick

Not literally.  Masturbating drunk is just asking for trouble.  Besides, you’re a guy.  Masturbation is about results.  There’s no need to make an evening of it.  Listen, you’re not going to have the stamina of a jackhammer.  And unless she really needs to get to work, four minutes of your arrhythmic pounding isn’t gonna do the trick.  So get drunk.  Alcohol kills brain cells AND nerve endings.  And really, anything that desensitizes you is going to be your friend.

  1. Masturbate, Masturbate, Masturbate

I didn’t really need to say that now did I?  It’ll help with the whole “endurance” thing, too.  Plus, it’s not a horrible way to kill five minutes.

  1. Toys

Use them.  A lot.  On her.  But always remember Number 1.  If you buy her a toy that’s bigger than you are, she doesn’t really need you.  Also, put in one new battery and one old one.  You don’t want to spoil her, now do you?

  1. Do NOT Watch Porn

Ha-ha.  Just kidding.  Of course you’re going to watch porn.  What I mean is, do not watch porn looking for tips.  (This rule is the exact opposite for women.  You should watch porn for tips.  Also, because it’s awesome.)  If you don’t believe me, next time you’re getting a blowjob, pull it out and slap her in the face with it.  How’d that go?  See.  Or trying using spit as a lubricant.  Yeah, that worked out well, didn’t it?  Even if saliva was a good lubricant, you wouldn’t need a lubricant, because you just spit on her.  Women do not care for that.  I learned that much from Flavor of Love.  And if women who are on a reality show competing for the chance to have sex with Flavor Flav do not like being spit on, then I cannot imagine any of them would.

  1. It Happens To Everyone

Maybe.  But it better not happen often.

  1. “You Can Do What Ever You Want To Me!”

There will be times, in the heat of passion/pina coladas, when your partner will utter these words to you.  You will immediately stop whatever awkward finger move you are trying to pull off, stare in disbelief, and try not to stutter.  Your heart will pound in you chest and your mind will run wild.  You’ve be waiting all your life to hear those words, and now you’ve finally met a woman who will let you…. Stop right there.  In the words of Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!”

Don’t get me wrong.  Women love sex too.  And a lot of them will tell you they like the kinky stuff.  And maybe they do.  But there’s “woman kinky” and there’s “man kinky.”  The reality is that if women had even the slightest clue of how depraved, how disgusting, how completely and overwhelmingly filthy men are, they would round us all up and throw us in a pit.  And rightfully so.  Remember the movie “What Women Want?” Dave Chappelle had this to say about that:  “You couldn’t do the opposite of that movie, “What Men Want” because it’d be too gross, and disgusting.”

If you hear these words from your partner, stick with suggestions like 69, or bondage, or anal sex.  You’ll probably get your way, but even if she does get mad and think you’re disgusting, you still have “plausible deniability.”  You can talk her down (eventually) because hey, it’s not that bad.

  1. “What’s Your Wildest Fantasy?”

As with above, you’re probably going to hear the question at one point or another.  And it carries the same caveat. 

The problem with being honest about your wildest fantasy with her is that she’s going to react in one of only two ways.  Best-case scenario, she’s going to think you’re joking and laugh.  Which is fine, though it may kill the mood and result in you not having sex right then.  Or she’s going to think that you’re too weird and stop having sex with you altogether because she honestly believes that not all men think that way (Sucker!). 

What she wants to hear is something like wearing costumes, or pretending you’re strangers having a one-night stand, or how you’d like to have threesome.  Just say one of those.  It’s safe, and she’ll believe you.  Spice it up with a few details if you want, but keep it simple.  (Warning, if you use the threesome fantasy, do not, I repeat, do NOT, “spice it up” with the detail about which of her friends you’d like to join in.)  Trust me, no good can come of telling her that you want to design and build an elaborate pulley system that will let you fuck your way up and down a naked cheerleader pyramid like it’s the most awesome game of Q-bert ever.  Or that you’d love to submerse yourself in a bathtub filled with a thousand one-inch tall Jessica Alba clones who secrete a beer-flavored lubricant.

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