Archive - March 2012
I’ll go ahead and start this with a disclaimer. I had a blast at
Disney. I really did. With that being said, you didn’t come
here so I could wax nostalgic about the joy on my children’s faces and
about how I’ll cherish those memories. Why? Because that
shit ain’t funny. No. You came here so I could make fun of
shit. And if that surprises you, then you really haven’t been
What I Learned At Disney World1.
Phantasmic. It’s a light and water and firework and singing (ugh)
and flame throwing extravaganza. And, unlike just about anything
else called an extravaganza, I highly recommend it. What I can’t
decide is which piece of advice to give. So I’ll let you make the
call. You should never, ever, ever go see this while tripping on
acid OR you should absolutely see this while tripping. Good luck.
Don’t you dare fucking wear “(last name here) Family Vacation”
t-shirts. Seriously, if you’re so bad at keeping track of your
kids that you feel the need to wear horrible, horrible t-shirts, then
perhaps a vacation at a crowded area with loads of things to distract
children isn’t for you. There were all kinds of these
shirts. Some were just color-matched t-shirts – blue, purple,
pink, some were made with iron-on letters, and some were
embroidered. Embroidered! Look, I’ve already spent $3000
just to get here, I’m not spending another couple hundred on a fucking
shirt that makes me want to punch my own kids. That being said, I
want to thank the “Lammey” family for their shirts – “Lammey Family
Vacation” – that I couldn’t help but read as “Lame – y Family
Vacation.” Because, you know, I’m kind of a dick.
Teenage girls in short shorts. They used to be one my most
absolute favorite things ever. They’re the best, Jerry! The
best! And now, when I see them, I just flash forward a few years
to when my own daughter will be a teenager, and that makes me
sad. Having a daughter has completely ruined the experience for
me. Okay, maybe not completely…
Dear 50-year-old dude with the popped collar pulling the rolling Ed
Hardy back pack,
Damn near everybody
5. “2 Girls 1 Teacup”
And while we’re on the subject of the Teacup ride – To the family that
snuck on through the exit, I was the one who ratted you out.
Because fuck you, that’s why.
If you ever find your conviction in the veracity of stereotypes waning,
go to Disney. You can’t walk two steps without running into a
hilarious/infuriating stereotype. I mean, all of them – black
people, Asians, whites, white trash, Europeans, Mexicans...
Also, don’t go on Splash Mountain if you’re tripping. This one is
not like Phantasmic where it could go either way. This is a
no-no. The incessant background banjo playing coupled with the
inane chatter of woodland creatures that goes in and out of focus, the
over-the-top animatronics and the bizarre storyline that takes a
surprisingly dark turn at the end. I was buzzing from an extra
cup of coffee and almost jumped overboard just to quiet the voices.
How do you do it, average American? Look, I’m not here to brag,
but I exercise a lot. Too damn much, if I’m being honest. I
added it up and I’m at about 8-1/2 hours a fucking week. And by
the end of the Disney week, hell, by the end of the day, I was
exhausted and my feet were killing me. And then I looked around
at everyone else, the soft, doughy reality of today’s American, and I
thought, “How the fuck are they not dead?”
I’ll tell you how. Those fucking scooters. I swear I think
one out of every three adults was riding one of those fucking
things. The sight was enough to make “Wall-E” every bit as
frighteningly prophetic as “1984.”
It’s A Small World blows. Really hard. There were only 2
redeeming qualities to this “ride.” First, I got to sit
down. Second was the comically racist slanted eyes drawn on the
At one show, a Disney employee walked by us leading a group of people,
he turned back to them and shouted, “All wheelchair parties follow
me!” It was all I could do not to shout out, “Ain’t no party like
a wheelchair party!” Because I’m an insensitive dick.
Why do foreigners go to Epcot and visit their own country? I
mean, if it was me, I might go there just to make fun of fucking wrong
they got it, but I assume most people are better than me.
From the “I Shit You Not” file: We stopped at a play area to let
the kids just run around for a bit. It was here that I overheard
a woman ask a Disney employee if they could change the music because it
was too “heavy” for her kids. Now, try to guess if Disney was
cranking old school Slayer at 110 decibels? If you answered, “Of
course not, don’t be fucking stupid!” then you’re correct! Hell,
until she complained, I hadn’t even realized there WAS music playing.
So, I saw this 12-year-old girl sitting on her mom’s lap in a wheel
chair. They were dressed similarly, and from a distance, I
thought they were conjoined twins. Then they got a little bit
closer and I still thought they were conjoined twins but that one of
them had Progeria. Then they got a little closer and I realized
it was a 12-year-old girl sitting in her mom’s lap. Then I
thought to myself, “Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
Disney World is the magical combination of my two favorite things –
huge crowds of people and waiting in line for a long, long time.
Which leads me to –
17. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing, more satisfying than crop dusting at Disney World.
“Captain EO” is a complete piece of shit movie. It’s like George
Lucas took every crappy Star Wars scene that didn’t get used and jammed
them all together on half the budget, then asked Michael Jackson to
half-ass a song for it.
There is literally no limit to the number of times you can start the
Simpsons “monorail” chant and it not be funny. True story.
It took a few days, but I finally figured out that the reason Disney
makes their employees wear those fucking hideous outfits is to give you
half a chance at being able to discern them from tourists. And
even then, it’s pretty hard to do.
Epcot – here’s what you do. Go get a Fast Pass to ride “Soarin’”
at 8 pm. Ride “Soarin’” at 8 pm. Go outside and watch the
kick-ass firework show. That is all. Seriously. Don’t
bother with anything else.
Now I just have to sit back and wait for that check from Disney for this glowing review.