Archive - July 2010


The Second (and apparently, Annual) Critique of People

Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful People” Issue

 

            May also need a new title.  All right, let’s get to it.

 

Robin Wright – Not unattractive, and she starred in “The Princess Bride,” one of my all time faves.  But she had sex with Sean Penn.  A lot.  Willingly.  Think about that.  Really let it sink in.  She let Sean Penn stick his penis inside of her.  Ugh...

Selena Gomez – I am not legally allowed to comment on her.  Not until July 22nd, anyway.  What?  It’s not THAT creepy.

Robert Pattinson – Whatever.  If it wasn’t for the fact he plays a character in a crappy series of movies based on a crappy series of books that has teenage girls all over the world in a tizzy, you’d barely remember him as “that funny looking git who gets killed at the end of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.”  Don’t bother arguing.  You know it’s true.

Russel Brand, Shaun White, Bret Michaels, and Slash – In what seems to be the “Long-Haired Dudes Section.”  Look, I’ve got long hair, and I’m easily more attractive than 3 of them.  Worst case scenario, I’m tied with Bret Michaels, only with 100% less VD.  Which I still maintain should be the tie breaker.  But whatever, assholes at People Magazine who keep blocking my email address.  You know I'm right.

Mamie Gummer – She is apparently Meryl Streep’s daughter.  She kinda looks like Meryl Streep.  One would think that alone would preclude her from a “Most Beautiful” list.  

Just sayin’.

Justine Bieber – Uh, whatever.  I guess she’s pretty cute.  Not overtly manish, but personally, I’ve always preferred my lesbians to be of the lipstick variety.  Hold on a sec.

Apparently, that’s a dude.  Justin.  No “e.”  

I stand by my comments.

Kim Kardashian – A big ass and a willingness to have sex on camera, while both very commendable traits, does not make one beautiful.  Also, you just know she’s about hairy as hell.

Adam Lambert – Sweet merciful Christ on a popsicle stick.  Where do I begin?  First, let me admit that I’m not the best judge of a man’s attractiveness.  But I am secure enough to know if a man is very attractive (Brad Pitt, George Clooney) or very unattractive (Adrien Brody, Sarah Jessica Parker).  The problem with Adam is he wears too much goddamned makeup to tell whether or not he’s attractive.  But I do want to take a moment here to say to America that we need to stop worrying if he’s gay.  (He is.  Gay.  Really, really gay.  And that's not a judgment.  Hell, I used to work a night club that had one night a week when it was populated only by drag queens.  He’s gayer than that.)  What we need to focus on, America, is how incredibly not talented he is.  I mean, he's bad.  Really, really bad.  Seriously, he is as bad as he is gay.  And that’s a lot, in case I didn’t mention that.

Katy Perry – Okay, she’s attractive.  And she’s has huge boobs that she shows off just often enough to remind us that she has them, without risking overexposure (editor’s note – tee-hee).  I bring her up here only because I read a description of her that made me laugh really hard, and simultaneously ruined her for me.  It said “She looks like Zooey Deschanel with Down’s Syndrome.”  

Now, try to NOT see it.

Gabourey Sidibe – Oh come the fuck on.  I get it, People Magazine.  You want to feel good about an actress because of the character she played in a movie.  But shit, she just pretended to be that person.  You know that, right?  She wasn't actually that person.  But okay, maybe she’s a really nice person.  Oops, maybe not.  

It doesn't matter.  The fact is that if you woke up next to her, you wouldn't think, "Wow, last night I had sex with one of the most beautiful people in the world."  You'd think, "Who the fuck put that in my bed?  Was it Brad?  I bet it was Brad.  Fucking asshole."  Then you'd push her out of your bed and disappear for four days just to make sure she wasn't there when you got back. 

Miley Cyrus – Nope, not yet.  Not until November 23rd.  (Side note – I had to Google both her and Selena Gomez to find out their birthdays, then I had to do a Google Image search to find these pics.  I can only assume I’m now on some kind of watch list.)

Kelly Osbourne – She’s still alive?  Judging by the picture, I'd say the jury's still out on that one.

Sarah Jessica Parker – I’m not even going to get into this nonsense. 

Calista Flockhart – Man, I can’t believe Han Solo is fucking her.  Is he still trying to work off his debt to Jabba?

Martha Stewart – Really?  Martha Stewart.  I mean, sure, she can get the semen stains out of your sheets like nobody's business but.....

I'm not sure where I was going with that. 


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