Archive - January 2011


S

Girl, I’m Gonna Make You Sweat

 

            So the plan was to make fun of the lyrics in this song.  Because, well, they’re fucking horrible.  But I looked them up, and the damn song’s only got like 12 lines, and 8 of them don’t even make sense.  So scrap that.  What I will do, is make fun of a couple of lines for you, then give you a handy chart on what to do to make specific types of girls sweat.

You’re welcome.

Sweat” by Inner Circle

Girl I want to make you sweat
Sweat till you can't sweat no more

Well, that’s called dehydration.  And it’s not safe.  Or sexy.  Unless she really sweats a lot.  In which case, though, you’ve got your work cut out for you.  So, good luck?

And if you cry out
I'm gonna push it some, more, more

So, this is awkward.  Especially since the first line is…

I've been watching you

Kinda stalker-y, isn’t it?  Are you making the girl sweat because you’re chasing her?  I don’t think women like that too much.  And I think I know what I’m talking about here.  I mean, I don’t like to brag, but I’ve dated over 10 different women.

Nonetheless, if you are pursuing (not literally) a lady, and would like to “make her sweat,” here’s a handy guide:

 

Type Of Girl

Sweat-Inducer

“Big” Girl

Walk into the bedroom eating the last Oreo.

Goth Girl

Tell her K-Mart is out of mascara, then replace her entire MP3 library with “I Think I Love You” by The Partridge Family.

Preppy Girl

Announce that Ann Taylor Loft just declared bankruptcy, then un-pop your collar, and tell her you’d like to try something called “Reverse Cowgirl.”

Trailer Park Girl

Shower.  Get a job.

French Girl

Shower.  Get a job.

Hippie Girl

Shower.  Get a job.  Taste-testing Slim Jims.

Black Girl

Tell her you want to go out dancing with her and ALL her friends. (Only works if you’re a white guy.)

White Girl

Tell her you want to play golf with her father and his business partners. (Only works if you’re a black guy.)

Hispanic Girl

Tell her you only want to have 1 child.

Asian Girl

Tell her she got number 4 wrong on her Calculus final.

British Girl

Slow down as you drive past the dentist’s office.

Republican Girl

Tell her Global Warming is real, and Glenn Beck is a douchebag.  Just before sex, look her deep in the eye, and say “It’s either anal or abortion, honey.  Your call.”

Democrat Girl

Tell her they banned the “Morning After” pill, then don’t pull out.  Also, rename your penis, “Dick Cheney” and replace your regular foreplay with, “Come on, baby.  Shake hands with Mr. Cheney.”  Repeat until she does.

High School Girl

After the standard awkward and unsatisfying backseat sex, say “So I guess now you can audition for ‘16 and Pregnant.’”

College Girl

When she gets out of bed, ask her to go ahead and turn off your webcam for you.

 


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