Archive - January 2010

Top 10 Assholes of 2009

     It would have been all to easy to go lazy with this one and just say things like “all politicians” or “Wall Street big wigs” or “that fucker at Wendy’s who forgot my fries.” But you’re worth more to me than that, dear reader. So I actually tried, did research and shit. And don’t get mad because Tiger Woods isn’t on the list. Yes, I know that he cheated on his wife with around 32 different people. But it’s the 21st century, and if you’re married to a multi-millionaire famous athlete and he cheats on you, that kinda falls in the “No Shit” category.

     Number 10: The Execs at TLC. Do you remember what TLC is short for? The Learning Channel. Have you watched TLC recently? The only shows they have are about midgets, a stereotype who owns a bakery and people who have to many fucking kids. You know what I learn from watching TLC? That the people who work there fucking suck. Stop glorifying having 20 fucking children. There are 7 billion people on the planet (which by my count is easily 6 billion too many), so the chances that we need 20 more of YOU running around sucking up perfectly good oxygen is slim to none. Do the world a favor, people with too many kids, try anal. Or at least pull out. That's like 90% effective as birth control.

     Number 9: Kate Gosselin. Thought it was gonna be Jon, didn’t you? Yeah, I know he stole $230,000 from their joint checking account…wait, they had $230,000 in a checking account? You know what, fuck you again TLC. So he took some money. I think he was pretty reserved quite frankly. I’ve watched a total of 3 minutes of their show and that was more than enough to make me want to strangle her. The fact that Jon Gosselin never cut her up into little pieces and served her to the neighbor’s dogs shows considerable restraint. Even if he had gotten busted for it, if they showed the jury a few episodes of the show, he’d have probably gotten away with it.

     Number 8: Kanye West. Do I even need to explain this one? He’s one of several people on this list that will no doubt be receiving the Lifetime Achievement Award for Outstanding Assholery.

     Number 7: The Jonas Brothers. Why? I’ll tell you why. They’re young. They’re rich. They’re famous. And they have millions of girls throwing themselves at their feet. But they decide to be abstinent. By choice. Their own choice. I was abstinent too when I was younger. But by someone else’s choice. So, from all of us who had to work hard to get any play, to these three little assholes who obviously have no respect for the struggle of the common man in his quest for the booty, and I think I can speak for all of us, I give them a warm and hearty “Fuck you!”

     Number 6: Robert Kardashian. This has nothing to do with him being a lawyer for OJ Simpson. In fact, he died in 2003. So how does a guy who died 6 years ago make this list? Simple. His fucking kids. One’s famous for fucking some guy on video. The others are famous because she fucked some guy on video. Kim’s bad enough, but the least the others could do is step up to the plate and have sex on camera. Sweet Jesus, what a bunch of vapid whores. When I think about them, I understand why the rest of the world makes fun of us.

     Number 5: The Universe. That’s right mother fucker, I’m calling you out. And not just because you made me so ruggedly handsome I can’t even go to the grocery store without a dozen women trying to eye fuck me. No, there’s more to it than that. Let’s look at who you took away. Patrick Swayze. You can’t kill Dalton and not expect to be called an asshole. Farrah Fawcett. Come on now, what did she ever do to you? John Hughes. The king of 1980’s teen angst dramadies. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a little pissed at him for trying to make me believe Molly Ringwald was attractive, but not enough to kill him. David Carradine. This one’s real bullshit. Everybody knows that in a fair fight, he’d have kicked your ass, Universe. Yeah, you take them and stick us with the Beyonces and Madonnas. Great.

     Number 4: Gwyneth Paltrow. Look, here’s rule number one if you’re rich and famous. Shut the fuck up about it. Notice how George Clooney’s not on this list? Because he doesn’t spend his time and energy thinking he knows better than you. But not Gwyneth. She started an advice website “GOOP.” (Seriously, that’s fucking stupid, and I’m the guy who thought “grumpyllama” was good.) Of course, most of her “advice” isn’t applicable if you aren’t already rich and/or stupid. Hey, I’m fucking sure that Barcelona is nice and would help me unwind. Thanks. Her advice for a great personalized Christmas gift? A teddy bear with your child’s name on it. She’s even nice enough to link it for you so you don’t have to go searching. And it can be yours for the low, low price of $124. So kids, for Christmas would you like a teddy bear, or groceries for next two weeks? None of that even mattered to me, quite frankly, after I read her website’s motto, which says “Nurture The Inner Aspect.” Here’s my motto for Ms. Paltrow: “Go Fuck Yourself.”

     Number 3: Katherine Heigl. There are just so many reasons not to like Katherine Heigl. First she talks shit about “Knocked Up,” you know, the movie that made her a star, the only reason you know who the fuck she is. Then she complains about the writers on her show, which is just stupid, but there you go. Then she goes on national TV and rails against the producers of her show for making her work a long day because they delayed the start of shooting. Only she forgot to mention that the only reason the shoot got delayed was so she could tour the country promoting her movie. Most of these are pretty stupid and petty, but this quote from Ms. Heigl is really why I hate her. “I don’t know if I want to continue for 5 years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two.” Aww, what a fucking trooper. Still, it’s not uncommon for someone in her seventies to be looking forward to retirement. Oh, wait a minute, she fucking 32 years old. Let me rephrase that quote for you, Ms. Heigl isn’t sure if she can make it to the ripe old age of 37 if she is forced to spend 12 months a year having someone else dress her, put on her make up, tell her where to stand, and then repeat words that someone else tells her to say while making millions to do it. Yes, that’s quite the nightmarish existence you’re forced to toil through.

     Number 2: Jaime Foxx. There’s no doubt he’ll be enshrined in the Asshole Hall of Fame. He’s got a pretty high opinion of what the world owes him considering he wasn’t even the fourth funniest person on “In Living Color.” His asshole-ish ways are fairly well documented, but he really cemented his place on this list when he said of Miley Cyrus that she needed to “get a gum transplant” and “make a sex tape” and “catch Chlamydia on a bicycle seat.” It sounds harsh, but you have to remember that Miley Cyrus is a genocidal maniac responsible for the deaths of over 2 million Cambodians. No, no. My bad. That’s Pol Pot. Miley Cyrus is tween pop singer. You showed her, Jaime.

     Number 1: Madonna. I think we can all agree that Madonna is first in line for a Lifetime Achievement Award in this category, and that she’s such a huge asshole she’ll likely make this list for 12 years after her death. And it’s not just because her music sucks. She’s just an all around asshole. She was probably like that even before she was rich and famous, but now she’s absolutely insufferable. Just Google the riders she has in her contracts. Or the lawsuits against her by everyone that lives in her apartment building in New York. Or the list of “instructions” she gave to Guy Ritchie before she’d let him have a visit from his kids. Also, factor in that in 2009 she made $110 million. And it’s not like that was an anomaly. Her net worth is estimated at over $600 million, with some figures bringing it closer to $1 billion. How much did she give to charity? $459,000. Hell, even if you’re not a nice person, a decent accountant will tell you to donate more than that just for tax reasons. So she’s an asshole, and she’s stupid. To put it in perspective, that’s like having a million dollars, and giving $459 to charity. How about the 2 kids she adopted? That’s pretty nice, right? You mean the two African children, neither of who was actually an orphan? Yeah, she just bought to two black kids. Most of the world frowns on that sort of thing. Sure, they’re not growing up in a poverty stricken African village stabbing flies the size of kittens to keep them away from the cup of rice they’ll eat for dinner, but now they have to be around Madonna. So really, best-case scenario is it’s a toss-up. 

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