Grumpy Llama!

Lite Jamz

I recently spent 2-1/2 weeks redoing my son’s room. Which isn’t the least bit important other than it explains why I had to listen to the radio for extended periods of time. To make matters worse, the radio only got one station. I don’t know why, other than possibly that the universe hates me. That one station was the “Adult Rock” station – bringing you the greatest hits of the 70’, 80’s, and today. But at least it wasn’t the Top 40 station, where I’d be barraged by Train songs. What? Nobody came here to dispute the fact that Train sucks. They’re like the Maroon 5 of today’s generation.

Sweet damn. Maroon 5 is the Maroon 5 of today’s generation. You poor bastards.

Anyway, I learned a lot from my tormenter. For one, shitty music is not a recent phenomenon. (Sorry, Nickelback.) I also learned that despite having 40 years of music to choose from, they don’t have much of a selection. I started to imagine a new DJ getting a job at the “Lite Jamz” station. I imagined the station manager handing him his new hire packet, and going over the approved playlist below:

Artist	Song(s)	Frequency
Billy Joel	Greatest Hits, Disc 1, Disc 2 up to track 5 only	Hourly
Elton John	Greatest Hits, any except “Border Song”	Hourly
Chicago	“Saturday in the Park”	Every 14^th song
Wild Cherry	Any song from their vast catalog (ha-ha, just kidding, only “Play That Funky Music”)	6x per day
Hall & Oates	“Sara Smile,” “Rich Girl,” Kiss On My List,” or “You Make My Dreams Come true”	7-9x per day
Rick Springfield	“Jessie’s Girl”	3x per day
Don McLean	American Pie	Daily
John Mellencamp	“Lonely Ol’ Night,” “Hand to Hold on To,” or “Jack and Diane”	Any two per day
Huey Lewis & The News	“The Power of Love,” “Stuck With You,” “Heart and Soul,” or “Heart of Rock and Roll.”	2x per day *”Heart of Rock and Roll” during drive time ONLY
Smokey Robinson	“Tears of a Clown”	3x per week
Queen	“Crazy Little Thing Called Love” only	1x per week, max
Orleans	“You’re Still The One”	2x per day
Journey	“Wheel in the Sky,” “Faithfully,” “Separate Ways,” or “Open Arms”	One song per day
Doobie Brothers	“What A Fool Believes,” “Takin’ It To the Streets,” “China Grove”	2x per day “China Grove” is designated “after dark”
Eagles	Any song from: Greatest Hits, 1971-1975	10x per week, minimum
Air Supply	“Lost in Love,” Even The Nights Are Better,” All Out of Love,” “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All”	Daily “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All” is an “after dark”
Looking Glass	“Brandy”	2x per day
Steely Dan	“Reelin’ In The Years”	Daily
Bee Gees	“How Deep Is Your Love,” “Night Fever,” or “More Than A Woman” (You may substitute one Bee Gees song with a song from Grease per day. Note “Greased Lightning” is not an option.)	3x per day
Boz Skaggs	“Lido Shuffle”	5x per week
Neil Diamond	“Cherry, Cherry,” “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon,” “Kentucky Woman,” “Sweet Caroline,” “Cracklin’ Rosie”	2x per day “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon” and “Cracklin’ Rosie” are “after dark”
America	“A Horse With No Name” or “Ventura Highway”	One song per day
Paul Simon	Greatest Hits, Tracks 1, 2, 3, 9, 11, 13, 15, 16, 17, or 18	3x per day, minimum
Simon & Garfunkel	Greatest Hits, Tracks 2, 6, 8, 14	Daily
Fleetwood Mac	“Rhiannon,” “Go Your Own Way,” “Don’t Stop”	Every other day
Eddie Money	“Baby Hold On,” “Two Tickets to Paradise,” “I Wanna Go Back,” “Take Me Home Tonight,” “Think I’m In Love”	Daily “Take Me Home Tonight” and “Two Tickets to Paradise” are “after dark”
Barry Manilow	any	Daily

Because I had absolutely nothing better to fucking do, here are some other observations I made during those grueling 2-1/2 weeks.

- The “tough guys” in Jim Croce songs are quite good….at getting their asses kicked. Both “Bad, bad Leroy Brown” and “Big Jim Walker” get royally fucked up by the end of their perspective songs. Maybe Jim Croce isn’t a great judge of what a tough guy is.

- I heard Hall and Oates’ “Kiss On My List” 17 times. It made me wonder what else is on their list of the best things in life. I’m guessing it’s gonna include: acid-washed jeans, key-tars, and moustache combs.

- The following lyrics made me giggle every time: “twice on the pipe,” “Girl, watcha doin’ down there?” and “Don’t pull your love out on me.” Every time.

- Randy Newman’s midget-hating anthem “Short People” would never get made today.

- “Hot Child in the City” is a better song if you pretend a woman is singing it because then it’s a great lesbian love story. And you know how I feel about those.

- “Love The One You’re With” – making you feel better about settling since 1970.

- It is physically impossible to make it past the 3^rd note of a James Taylor song without getting drowsy.

- VH1 needs to do a “Where Are They Now?” for ELO.

- The girl in Rick James’ “Superfreak” is in fact, not much of a freak. The whole song is pretty vague about just what makes her a freak, though he does make mention of “incense, wine, and candles.” Incense, wine and candles? That’s not kinky. That’s Plan A for bored, middle-aged housewives trying to keep their sex lives interesting without having to do anal.

- There was a commercial warning about the dangers of “deep vein thrombosis.” “Deep Vein Thrombosis” sounds like a euphemism, doesn’t it?

- There was another commercial for an over-the-counter erectile dysfunction pill (called “Bravado” naturally). It included the phrase, “These next 60 seconds are crucial to your sex life.” Great pick-up line, or greatest pick-up line? I’ll let you know.

- A commercial for a dance studio announced you could learn to dance in a “fun and inviting atmosphere.” What is the atmosphere at other dance studios? Scary and intimidating? “Do the Lindy, or we’ll kick this puppy!” Or maybe the other studios look like my junior high gymnasium, filled with half-assed streamers and judgmental 13-year-old girls.

*shudder*