Archive - February 2011


You Want Some, Too?!

 

            Apparently Glamour magazine is fed up with Cosmo scooping them (every fucking month) with a column on what guys like.  I imagine an editorial meeting a couple of months ago where some junior-editor slammed her fist on the table and shouted “No more!!”  Flash forward to this month’s issue, the “Sex, Love & Guys Issue” featuring “1000 Men Confess: Naughty Answers to Your Most Private Questions Ever.”

            All right.  Let’s do this.

            First, the patently ridiculous.  Questions like:

            “Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or be walked in on by them?”

            “If you had to pick, whom would rather sleep with?” – The choices are either your female boss, or your female assistant.

            “Would you ever be a manny?”

            “Who would you rather have Mad Men-ly sex with?” (Betty Draper or Joan Holloway.)

            Sweet Jebus.  How are any of these “Your Most Private Questions Ever.”  And how do the answers to these help anyone, anywhere, ever.  If your dating life hinges on knowing whether men would prefer to bang one fictional character over another, honey, you got problems.  Big problems.

            Now, to their credit, Glamour’s article did at least include some mention of both threesomes and anal, so that automatically puts them ahead of anything we’ve seen out of Cosmo.  But saying your women’s magazine article about what guys like is better than their article, is like saying you’re the straightest guy in the Village People.

            Here are a couple of  “confessions” they chose to lead off with.  Cameron K, 23, “estimates he has slept with about 10 women.”  Whatever, Cameron.  Estimates?  Give me fucking break.  Until a guy hits Gene Simmons-like numbers, he knows exactly how many women he’s slept with.  Cameron for example, has slept with 8.  I promise.  If it was 9, he’d have just rounded up.  He uses “about” for plausible deniability in case the girl he’s dating talks to a friend of his who knows better.  If it was 10 or more, you can be damn sure he’d mention that.  At 11, he’d say, “More that 10.”  Anything higher and he’d give you the exact number.

            Then Mark E, 28, confesses that he “likes women who wear tight dresses.”  I hope you were all sitting down for that.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and predict he also like short skirts and low-cut blouses.  It’s just a guess, but I’m willing to put money on that.  Jeez, thanks for letting the cat out of the bag, Mark E.  Now they’re on to us!

            They asked men “If you had to choose just intercourse or just oral sex for the rest of you life, you’d pick:”

            Intercourse…82%

            Oral Sex…….18%

            What they failed to mention, is that most men actually responded, “I’d pick a different wife.”

            This is a good one – “What’s your favorite position in bed?”

            Woman on top…………..…37%

            Doggy-style……………..….28%

            Guy on top……………....….14%

            Reverse cowgirl………....….9%

            Her sitting, you standing…4%

            Spooning………………......…3%

            Wait.  “Her sitting, you standing?”  We’re talking sex sex right?  Not oral sex?  How does this work?  I’m gonna need a diagram on this one.

            How about, “Do you secretly want to sleep with most of you female friends?”

            Yes…..56%

            No……44%

            That is shocking.  I had no idea that 44% of all men had absolutely no reasonably attractive female friends.  That’s just sad.

            “You would rather have sex with:”

            Lady Gaga….52%

            Madonna……48%

            Ugh.  I assume death was not an option.  No, really.  Actual Death.  I’d rather fuck the Grim Reaper.  So apparently, my answer’s Madonna.  (editor’s note – Hi-yo!)

            “When you’re having sex, what percentage of the time are you thinking of someone else?”

            100%………….....…3%

            75%…………...........7%

            50%………….....…13%

            25%………….....…41%

            Never, honest!…36%

            Yikes!  I assume there’s some overlap between the 3% who are always thinking of someone else, and the 44% who don’t want to sleep with their female friends.  Also, 36% of men are liars.  Actually a lower number than I suspected.  Oh wait, it says “honest!”  I stand corrected then.  People who say “honest!” after they give an answer are always telling the truth. 

            “About how often do you look at porn?”

            Several times a day…………………………………………..............…7%

            Every day………………………………………………................……...13%

            Several times a week……………………………...........……………..32%

            Several times a month……………………………............……………24%

            A handful (editor’s note – hee-hee, handful) of times a year…18%

            Never ………………………………………………………...................…..6%

            A bit of incongruous data here.  By looking at the numbers for “Never” and “A handful (editor’s note – hee-hee, handful) of times a year” we see that 24% of men are liars instead of the 36% we saw earlier.

            “Whom would you cross over for?”

            No one, no how………………………....…84%

            Bradley Cooper………………………......….7%

            Robert Pattinson………………………......…4%

            Chace Crawford (editor’s note – who?)…3%

            Lebron James…………………………........….2%

            The only real surprise here is that Lebron James made the list at all.  I can’t imagine anyone wanting his or her first experience with anal sex to be with a 7-foot-tall black guy.


©  2011 GrumpyLlama.com

All Rights Reserved.