Archive - February 2010
Oh, I Bet You’ve Got Man Issues
They’ve given me so much good material, I think I could get a tax write-off for the cost of a subscription to Glamour. Yeah, that’s my way of telling you that I’m dipping into that inkwell again. (Side note, I found out that my last treatise making fun of Glamour was so good, it actually prevented people from having sex. They didn’t think that was funny, but I sure as hell did.) The February 2010 issue caught my eye in the grocery store line when I read this: “101 Things No One Tells You About Guys – Their Sex Desires, Their Body Hang-Ups and The Real Reasons They Cheat – All In Our Annual MAN ISSUE!” I must point out that “MAN ISSUE” was in pink letters. Hmm, I’m beginning to suspect the women who work at Glamour might not be the best resource for your questions about men.
First, a quick complaint about organization. I think it would be good if Glamour had some. Their man material (hee-hee) was all over the damn place. If your cover says 101 Things blah-blah-blah, how about organizing it in some commonly accepted way, say, a list for example.
The first thing I can find is an article entitled “52 Things He’s really Thinking About You…” This being Glamour, the article is of course broken down into several more subsections lest the material be presented in a clear and concise manner. First is, “7 Things He’s Thinking When You Try A New Move in Bed” by someone named Datwon T. I assume it’s a dude. Number 1, “This feels…um, different.” What the hell is she doing to you, Datwon? Ladies, do not listen to Datwon. In bed, the stuff you do is pretty much either “Awesome!” or “Ow!” Sometimes both. The only thing of note in Datwon’s list is number 4 – “Wait, where’d she learn that?” This brings the number of things Glamour has gotten right about men to 1. Well done, Glamour. However, the number of useful things Glamour has gotten right about men remains a steadfast 0.
Next is, “6 Things He’s Thinking About As You Walk Down the Aisle” which is supposedly real answers by real grooms and is certainly not written by lonely women about what they desperately hope men would think about in that situation. Number 2 says “I am not just me anymore; we are one.” Oh for fuck’s sake. Number 3 goes with “She’s doing an awesome job walking in the sand in those shoes.” Look, I don’t even know if my wife was wearing shoes at our wedding. And I can assure you I am not in the minority on this one. And the one answer that was in fact written by a groom (presumably now divorced) was number 4 – “I wonder if the Sox are winning.”
Then we have “7 Things He’s Thinking When You’re Naked,” written by a Scott M. whose wife/girlfriend was clearly reading over his shoulder. Number 4 – “They look so different when they’re not held up in a wire cup.” Followed immediately by number 5, “But, really, I’m happy to see them fall a little. I was beginning to wonder if you’d invested in the Jenna Jamesons.” Jesus wants you to grow a pair, Scott. Or at least don’t bother with 4 if you’re just going to puss out immediately with number 5. You weren’t wondering if they were fake because you’re a man, and we all know that the only people who care if a woman has fake boobs is women who don’t have fake boobs. All boobs are real. End of story. So Scott, either sac up, or go back to writing for Cat Fancy.
Next up is a piece by “real” men telling you the “4 Things He’s Thinking When You Watch Porn With Him.” They’re pretty much all bullshit, but the man behind number 4 is clearly so pussy-whipped that there’s no way his girlfriend actually lets him watch porn, much less watches with him. “She should know she doesn’t have to be as voluptuous or as nasty as those women. I love her the way she is.” Maybe you don’t have to be quite as “nasty,” but the closer you get the better. There’s a reason why porn sex isn’t man-on-top missionary after 17 dates, 4 glasses of wine and an hour of foreplay. Look, here’s what we’re thinking when you watch porn with us. 1. “See, SHE likes anal!” 2. “Man…2 chicks…” Oddly enough, this is also what we’re thinking when we watch it alone. Well that, and “Did I just hear the garage door?”
And one of my favorite installments has to be “10 Things He Secretly Thinks About Your Clothes.” The first guy mentions something about his wife’s gingham blouse. Until I Googled it, I was fairly certain Gingham was the name of the cook on “Rawhide,” so we’re gonna put an asterisk on that guy’s Man Card. Another man disclosed that he likes it when his wife wraps her hair up in a bandana for the night. Wraps her hair up in a bandana. A bandana. Look dude, if you’re wife isn’t Lita Ford circa 1987, then you’re married to a lesbian. Here’s the real secret as to what we think about your clothes - we do not think about your clothes. Hell, we don’t think about our clothes. This changes slightly after marriage when the one thing men will think about your clothes is “Howfuckingmuchdidthatcost?!”
Now we have “6 Things He’s Thinking When You Give Him An Ultimatum” by supposed man David F. The first 5 aren’t even 5 different things and shouldn’t be allowed. They are all just variations of “Please let this magically blow over.” But then we get to number 6 and begin to suspect that David is a milquetoast - “I’m so pissed at myself that she had to resort to this.” Yes, by all means listen to what David is implying. If you give a man an ultimatum, he’ll go through 5 stages of denial, then he’ll be mad at himself, not you. Please email me here and let me know how this works out for you. This one doesn’t just apply to men, though. It’s a universally bad idea to throw down an ultimatum. What we do know from this is that David F. has just lost every argument he will ever have. Ever.
Next is compilation of real answers “7 Things He’s Thinking When You Say It’s Over.” Most are stupid and/or boring (shocking), but there were 2 true ones. “Wow, she looks good. Can I get one more quickie?” and “Damn, she beat me to it!” Hey, maybe Glamour finally got their heads out of their asses and they decided to go with answers that an actual, testosterone-having man might actually be thinking. We’ve really turned the corner here. Let’s see what the next guy says. “I can never listen to Jack Johnson again.” <sigh>
The next not-a-list article I find is “10 Valentines Gifts To Give Him If He’s Been Good.” It’s by two women. Here are some of their suggestions. Guess if they’re good. “Your ex-boyfriend’s love letters, shredded.” Oh good God, I cannot think of something we would care less about. “His name surrounded by a heart, stamped in the snow, possibly readable from outer space.” I stand corrected. Is your boyfriend a 14-year-old girl? Because if he is, then just buy him/her the “Twilight” DVD and be done with it. You’ve either just ended the relationship because you clearly psychotic, or it will end the relationship when you find out he told his friends about it and they’ve all been laughing about it for months. “New jeans that look hot on him.” What are the odds either of the women who wrote this is dating anyone? “A trip to the animal shelter: You know he wants to!” What the fuck are they talking about? “A one hundred percent lovely, genuine, handmade, handwritten card.” Also known as, “How to spend your Valentine’s Day drunk, crying, and eating Ben and Jerry’s with a ladle while sitting on your girlfriend’s couch complaining about what a dick your boyfriend is.” Because you’ll give him the card, he’ll open it and go “Aww, thanks, baby” and toss it on the table. You’ll then go into a blind rage because he doesn’t appreciate the work you put into it and so on and so on. Then he’ll say something along the lines of “What the fuck are you talking about?” Then you’ll storm out and go to your girlfriend’s house. That was fun, wasn’t it? Let me help with your Valentine’s Day gifts. (Also applies to any and all other gift-giving occasions.) Does your husband/boyfriend like alcohol? Give him some. Does your husband/boyfriend like sex? Give him some. Ta-da!!! If you want to play it safe, give him a six-pack and a blowjob. I can assure that, at most, only one of those will sit in the fridge until his buddies come over.
In addition to these little not-lists all over the place, Glamour also had a few “bubbles” of information here and there. One was, “What were you thinking the first time you kissed your girlfriend?” The answers were of course both stupid and too specific to be of any use. The best (worst) was a 24- year-old who said that upon kissing his girlfriend he thought, “Bon Jovi rules!” How in the hell did this guy convince a girl to kiss him? I’m not gonna come right out and say it was roofies, but it was roofies.
It was at this point that I smelled a rat. Glamour had completely refused to use the always-popular list format that people use when making lists. Why? They said there were 101 things, but something felt wrong. So I did some searching and ran some numbers, adding up in every conceivable way, anything that might be considered a “thing no one tells you about guys.”
The big list was “52 Things He’s really Thinking About You…” Okay, we’re way short of 101. So let’s add in the “10 Valentines Gifts To Give Him If He’s Been Good.” Now we’re up to 62. Some more searching turns up “10 Easy Meals Guys Like To Eat.” Not sure how this is something no one is telling you about guys, but I’m feeling generous (and most of the meal ideas were steak), so I’ll allow it. Now we’ve got 72. Hmmm. Okay, well there’s an article entitled “Your Field Guide to Guys” that outlines the 17 different types of guys. Sure, it’s all stereotypes and stupidity, but it has a number in it. So we’re at 89. Okay. We’re getting closer. I spend another 20 minutes or so going through the magazine and the best I can come up with is a piece called “24 Hours In A Guy’s Mind.” However, if I add 24, I get 113 things no one has been telling me about guys. But hold on! The article, written in quasi-diary style, only has thirteen entries. So there. Now we’ve got our 102 things. Wait. Well crap.
So what is the one actual thing we’ve learned from Glamour’s “101 Things No One Tells You About Guys?” That girls are bad at math.
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