Archive - December 2010

Sweet Damn


            I’m too lazy to look into it (shocking, I know), but it’s rumored that Google keeps track of your searches, ostensibly for a more precise user experience, but who really gives a shit?  Pedophiles, I guess.  And homemade bomb-makers, probably.  The paranoid, them too.  But for most people, it really doesn’t matter.  I, for one, would love to see a history of my Google searches.  It’d be awesome.  I mean, sure, 90% of them would just be my ongoing search for the best amateur swinger pictures where the swingers in question aren’t all 65-year-old, doughy Brits.  (Seriously.  Are any young, attractive people swingers anymore?  And can you please upload some more pics already?)  But I digress.  I’d like to see mine because of this website.  Because of the weird shit I end up Googling (awesome sidenote - Spellcheck suggested that I change "Googling" to "go ogling") because I have some bizarre notion that these ridiculous pieces I write need to be factually correct.  I’ve had to look up Lady Gaga lyrics, the exact figure of the US national debt, Nickelback lyrics, pictures of Gabourey Sibide <shudder>, and a transcript of Jamie Foxx’s anti-Miley Cyrus rant.

            Which brings to me this month.  My plan for this month – well, my second plan, the first one fell through – was to rewrite “I’ll Make Love To You” and make it the “Let’s Be Completely Honest Here Remix.”  Yeah, I know I’ve made fun of this song before, but it’s a deep enough well to head back to.  (PS the “I’ll Make Love To You – The Let’s Be Completely Honest Here Remix” will happen.)  As part of my research for it, I of course had to Google the lyrics, but I felt I needed more info to really bring it home.  So, I then Googled Boyz II Men.  And that’s when the universe decided it was time to fuck with me.  And how.

            First, they’re still alive.  Who knew?  And…

            They have an official website.  Boyz II Men.  Like a recent one.  Not one they made in 1997 and just haven’t bothered to let die.  New and fancy.  Recently updated.  I know.  I was surprised too.

            I checked out the “News” section while I was there, because I thought, “Wait, there’s Boyz II Men news?”  Yes.  Yes, there is.  Apparently, the much-heralded NKOTB-Backstreet Boys-Boyz II Men tour was an actual thing.  Until Boyz II Men was uninvited!!!!!!  Aw hell no!!!!  Also, one of the “Boyz” did a painting or something described as, I shit you not, an “artistic vision of a man moving through life with negativity trying to hold him back, as he continues to move towards the finish line of life (which is never reached cause it never ends).”  Riiiiiight.

            Of course, all this is mildly amusing, but certainly not worth me gushing over.  Except for the pop-up ad.  The pop-up ad promoting the…..wait for it………Boyz II Men Love Cruise.  Shit just got real.  That’s right folks, you can have the rare opportunity to go on a three day cruise with Boyz II Men that, not coincidentally, is taking place over Valentine’s Day!!  Mother of God.  Naturally, you are asking yourself, “But what all do I get with my Boyz II Men Love Cruise package?”  (Editor’s note – hee-hee, package.)  Well, let me tell you.

ALL Boyz II Men Cruise Passengers will receive:


Hell. Yes. 

But wait, there’s more!

All Reservations received by April 15th, 2010 by 11:59PM EST, will be automatically entered into a special drawing to receive:

Front Row Tickets to one of Boyz II Men events onboard!
One night Dinner with Boyz II Men.


Have you ever dreamed of having Boyz II Men be a part of your Wedding Day?
Carnival Cruise Lines offers a limited number of wedding ceremonies performed onboard. First Come First Serve as only 3 weddings per port.

Plus, if you cough up the dough for a suite, your concert tickets are in the first 5 rows!!

Oh, Carnival Cruise Lines, you had me at Question & Answer Session with Boyz II Men.


Before any of you get your panties in a twist, know that I am absolutely allowed to make fun of Boyz II Men.  Ever since my father got re-married, I’m half-black, so it’s cool.  Fun fact: when, like myself, you are a post-natal bi-racial, you end up with exactly half of the involved racial stereotypes.  Since I’m half-black now, I was going to end up either being a great dancer, or having a huge penis.  And I’m very happy to report that I still can’t dance……


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