Archive - December 2009


Nickelback’s “Photograph” Re-Imagined As The Grandfather’s Portion Of A Conversation Between A Grandfather And His Adolescent Grandson Who Is Being Forced To Ride Around In The Backseat Of His Grandfather’s Car As They Drive Around The Old Man’s Hometown And He Reminisces Because That’s What I Think Every Time I Hear That Damn Song And I Honestly Believe That If You Write A Song And It Sounds Like That You Should Just Scratch The Whole Thing And Become A Fry Cook.

 

Grandpa Chad: “Look at this photograph.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Sweet God, Grandpa, watch the friggin’ road!”
Grandpa Chad: “Every time I do it makes me laugh.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Yeah, it’s great.”
Grandpa Chad: “How did our eyes get so red?”
Disaffected Grandson: “You’re either stoned, or you’ve bored each other to death with your stories.”
Grandpa Chad: “And what the hell is on Joey's head?”
Disaffected Grandson: “Looks like a Jew-fro.”


Grandpa Chad: “And this is where I grew up.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Awesome.”
Grandpa Chad: “I think the present owner fixed it up.”
Disaffected Grandson: “That’s fixed up?! What a shit-hole!”
Grandpa Chad: “I never knew we'd ever went without.”
Disaffected Grandson: “No really, terribly fascinating, Grandpa.”
Grandpa Chad: “The second floor is hard for sneaking out.”
Disaffected Grandson: “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”


Grandpa Chad: “And this is where I went to school.”
Disaffected Grandson: “That’s an empty lot, Grandpa.”
Grandpa Chad: “Most of the time had better things to do.”
Disaffected Grandson: “That explains your career at the gas station.”
Grandpa Chad: “Criminal record says I broke in twice.”
Disaffected Grandson: “You’re a real bad-ass, Grandpa.”
Grandpa Chad: “I must have done it half a dozen times.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Whoop-dee-fuck.”


Grandpa Chad: “I wonder if it's too late?”
Disaffected Grandson: “For what?”
Grandpa Chad: “Should I go back and try to graduate?”
Disaffected Grandson: “Dude, you’re a fucking hundred years old!”
Grandpa Chad: “Life's better now than it was back then.”
Disaffected Grandson: “No shit.”
Grandpa Chad: “If I was them I wouldn't let me in.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Again, Grandpa, it’s an empty fucking lot.”


Grandpa Chad: “Oh, oh, oh, oh, god, I…”
Disaffected Grandson: “What?! Are you okay? You better not have a heart attack with me in the car!”


Grandpa Chad: “Every memory of looking out the back door.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Yeah, I’m beginning to suspect ‘memory’ is not your strong suit, Gramps.”
Grandpa Chad: “I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Riveting.”
Grandpa Chad: “It's hard to say it, time to say it.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about?”
Grandpa Chad: “Goodbye, goodbye.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Uh…..”


Grandpa Chad: “Every memory of walking out the front door.”
Disaffected Grandson: <Sigh.>
Grandpa Chad: “I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Did you forget to take your pills this morning?”
Grandpa Chad: “It's hard to say it, time to say it.”
Disaffected Grandson: “I don’t know how hard it is to say it, but you’ve been saying it for like 30 minutes now.”
Grandpa Chad: “Goodbye, goodbye.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Can we just go home now?”


Grandpa Chad: “Remember the old arcade?”
Disaffected Grandson: “I would stab a hooker to be at an arcade right now.”
Grandpa Chad: “Blew every dollar that we ever made.”
Disaffected Grandson: “All that gas station money? That must have taken minutes.”
Grandpa Chad: “The cops hated us hangin' out.”
Disaffected Grandson: “I’m kinda hating you, too.”
Grandpa Chad: “They say somebody went and burned it down.”
Disaffected Grandson: “So you got me worked up about an arcade that’s not even here anymore!”


Grandpa Chad: “We used to listen to the radio, and sing along with every song we know.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Wow, you’re quite the trendsetter.”
Grandpa Chad: “We said someday we'd find out how it feels to sing to more than just the steering wheel.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Singing to the steering wheel? What the hell does that mean?”


Grandpa Chad: “Kim's the first girl I kissed.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
Grandpa Chad: ”I was so nervous that I nearly missed.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Nearly missed? Jesus, did you grow up on Saturday morning sitcom?”
Grandpa Chad: “She's had a couple of kids since then.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Fantastic.”
Grandpa Chad: “I haven't seen her since god knows when.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Do any of your stories have a point?”


Grandpa Chad: ”Oh, oh, oh, oh, god, I…”
Disaffected Grandson: “Are you having another ‘episode?’”

Grandpa Chad: “Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Seriously, you just said that like five minutes ago. Verbatim. Do you have any fucking idea what you’re going on about?”


Grandpa Chad: “I miss that town.”
Disaffected Grandson: “This IS that town!”
Grandpa Chad: “I miss the faces.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Shoot me.”
Grandpa Chad: “You can't erase, you can't replace it.”
Disaffected Grandson: “A lot.”
Grandpa Chad: “I miss it now.”
Disaffected Grandson: “In the face.”
Grandpa Chad: “I can't believe it.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Please?”
Grandpa Chad: “So hard to stay.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Pretty please?”
Grandpa Chad: “Too hard to leave it.”
Disaffected Grandson: “That’s because you’ve been driving in a circle for a fucking hour.”


Grandpa Chad: “If I could I relive those days I know the one thing that would never change.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Yeah? What’s that?”


Grandpa Chad: “Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Seriously, what’s the one thing that would never change?”


Grandpa Chad: “Look at this photograph.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Goddammit, I already saw the fucking picture. What’s the one thing that would never change?”
Grandpa Chad: “Every time I do it makes me laugh.”
Disaffected Grandson: “Now you’re jut being a dick.”
Grandpa Chad: “Every time I do it makes me...”
Disaffected Grandson: “Shut the fuck up, Grandpa.” 


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