Archive - August 2011


It's Like Shooting Fish In A Barrel...

 

I’m sure you don’t believe me anymore, but I really do have plans for writing stuff that isn’t making fun of Cosmo.  It’s just that they’re making it so fucking easy.  I’m half-afraid that I’ll piss off the universe if I ignore this bountiful resource.  Anyway, December 2010 had a little piece called:  “75 Guy Truths: Their Weird Behavior Explained.”  So, yeah……..

 

Q:  Why doesn’t my guy care if I drool over Usher?

Cosmo’s Answer:  Men are rational – he knows the chances you’ll actually meet him are slim to none.

The Real Answer:  You’re not dating a 14-year-old girl.

 

Q:  How does he want me to apologize to him after I screw up?

Cosmo’s Answer:  Just make eye contact and say “I’m sorry” – most guys don’t need more than that.

The Real Answer:  Blow jobs.

 

Q:  How can I get my boyfriend to warm up to my best male friend?

Cosmo’s Answer:  Invite them to watch a sporting event where they’ll be rooting for the same team.

The Real Answer:  Quit fucking your male friends.

 

Q:  When do guys view a relationship as serious?

Cosmo’s Answer:  The moment they realize they’re not sleeping with anyone else…and that they’re okay with it.

The Real Answer:  When they’ve gotten too fat to land a new girl.

 

Q:  Why does my man refuse to watch my shows because they’re “girlie” even though I sit through South Park with him?

Cosmo’s Answer:  He doesn’t want even a small part of you to see him as unmanly.

The Real Answer:  Your shows suck.

 

Q:  If a girl is too crazy in bed, does that make her not LTR material?

Cosmo’s Answer:  It can.  To be safe, get girlfriend status before going completely rogue.

The Real Answer:  Yeah, the best way to get girlfriend status is to be boring in bed.  Also, “going completely rogue?”  I guess someone recently overheard their teenaged granddaughter’s phone conversation…and got it wrong.

 

Q:  When my boyfriend invites me out with his friends, how do I know if he wants me to come or if he’s just being nice?

Cosmo’s Answer:  If he uses qualifiers like “You can come if you want,” he’s just being nice.

The Real Answer:  He’s just being nice.  Always.

 

Q:  Do guys think it’s funny and laid-back or just gross if you burp in front of them?

Cosmo’s Answer:  Most think it’s gross, even if they burp in front of you.

The Real Answer:  We could not care less about something.  Except your new purse.

 

Q:  Does it turn guys off if you make the first move?

Cosmo’s Answer:  It can – you’ll feel like more of a catch to him if he actually has to catch you.

The Real Answer:  Cosmo is fucking stupid.  Go ahead and take their advice, and enjoy your Netflix Friday Nights.

 

Q:  Why does he purposely let his hair grow out when I ask him to get a haircut?

Cosmo’s Answer:  He is just being lazy but also thinks it’s fun to annoy you.

The Real Answer:  Why don’t you get off his case, already?

 

Q:  Why do men hate throw pillows so freakin’ much?

Cosmo’s Answer:  He just doesn’t like the extra pillows because he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with them during a hookup.

The Real Answer:  Because he just wants to sit the fuck down, not rearrange the whole goddamned living room.

 

Q:  My man never wants to cuddle.  Should I be worried?

Cosmo’s Answer:  No, it’s normal – unless you’ve told him you want to and he still won’t, which indicates he’s ignoring your needs.

The Real Answer:  Unless you’re stranded on Hoth and the sun’s about to set, cuddling isn’t a fucking need.  There’s a reason men not wanting to cuddle has been a running joke for the last 50 years – we don’t like to cuddle.  Get over it.

 

Q:  Why does he pretend nothing happened after he has a serious mood swing?

Cosmo’s Answer:  It’s easier than explaining what he was feeling at the time.

The Real Answer:  He’s not a 14-year-old girl.

 

Q:  He’s usually outgoing, but with my work friends, he clams up.  Why?

Cosmo’s Answer:  He either doesn’t like your work friends or feels self-conscious around them.

The Real Answer:  He either doesn’t like your work friends or feels self-conscious around them.

 

Q:  Guys say they like no makeup then tell you that you look pretty when you wear it.  Why?

Cosmo’s Answer:  “Men like natural-looking makeup but don’t know how to explain that.” – Troy Surratt, celebrity makeup artist

The Real Answer:  Because we get “fuck you” looks if we don’t notice that you’re wearing an entirely different pair of black shoes, and we’re not stupid enough not to comment on the fact that you just spent 45 minutes putting on makeup.  Also, really Cosmo?  A makeup artist was your go-to source for man answers?

 

Q:  I gave my boyfriend a tee shirt, but then he got all weird about it.  Why?

Cosmo’s Answer:  A recent study shows that most guys feel indebted – not grateful – when you give them a gift.

The Real Answer:  Your gift sucked, and he can’t figure out how to tell you without it resulting in no sex.

 

Q:  Why does my boyfriend freeze up whenever I try to have a serious talk with him?

Cosmo’s Answer:  He assumes all serious conversations will lead to drama.

The Real Answer:  He assumes all serious conversations will lead to drama.

 

Q:  Occasionally, my guy cries in front of me when he’s really upset.  How is he hoping I’ll react?

Cosmo’s Answer:  By holding him and listening to him explain what’s wrong.

The Real Answer:  By pretending you didn’t see anything, then giving him a blowjob.

 

Q:  Why do guys always want us to send them naked pictures?  Isn’t that what porn is for?

Cosmo’s Answer:  Yeah, but when you’re in the pic, it’s like he’s turned an innocent woman into his own private porn star.

The Real Answer:  You can never have too much porn.

 

Q:  Why do guys turn into such babies when they get sick – even if it’s just something like a cold?

Cosmo’s Answer:  A recent poll shows that men will sometimes exaggerate their symptoms to get more sympathy.

The Real Answer:  Is this what we’re doing now, Cosmo?  Okay, here’s a question then:  Why are women such bad drivers?  Answer:  A recent poll I just made up shows that women are bad drivers because their brains are too full of new shoes and different ways to say “no” to anal.

 

Q:  What do guys look for when they stalk your online dating profile?

Cosmo’s Answer:  Signs that you’re not crazy.

The Real Answer:  Bikini pics.

 

Q:  What’s the one thing men want to hear after sex?

Cosmo’s Answer:  “Wow.”

The Real Answer:  “See, I told you my yoga instructor would be in to it.”

 

 


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