Archive - August 2009


Denied!!

 

       Typically, I donít do pieces about politics.  I donít do this for two reasons.  One is that there are already a lot people doing stuff on politics, and most of them are much better at it that I am (and, no, I am NOT looking at you, Ann Coulter).  And secondly, because if I start thinking about it, I get filled with such a blind rage that I can barely see.  I did four minutes of research for this piece and I feel like I need to convince my wife to move to rural Ireland with me.  Look, itís one thing when youíre greedy and incompetent and youíre bagging my groceries.  I can get over that.  But when youíre ruining running the country, it kinda pisses me off. 

       Let me get on with it before I start to rant.  I wondered the other day what it might be like if the federal government were to call syndicated econo-blonde Suze Orman to get her okay for any expenditures. 

 

            Suze:    Who am I talking to?

            US:      The Federal Government.

            Suze:    Okay, tell me what I need to know, whatís your income?

            US:      Well, my GDP is about $14 trillionÖ

            Suze:    Thatís not really income though, is it?

            US:      Well, no, but Ė

            Suze:    Whatís your income?

            US:      ĎBout 2.5 Trillion.

            Suze:    All right, now what about debt?

            US:      11.6 Trillion.

            Suze:    Ooooh, thatís not good.  What do you want?

            US:      500 Billion to invade Iraq.

            Suze:    And what has Iraq done to you?

            US:      Er, well, nothiní really, but the guyís a real dick.

            Suze:    Is there maybe somewhere cheaper you could invade?  Maybe, the              Bahamas?

            US:      Well, yeah, but-

            Suze:    Denied!!  Next caller.  Who am I talking to?

            US:      Uh, call me Sam.

            Suze:    You sound familiar.

            US:      No, I donít.

            Suze:    Ooooo-kay.  Whatcha got?

            US:      Well, I make about 3 Trillion a year.

            Suze:    Uh-huh, and debt?

            US:      Letís call it 10 Trillion?

            Suze:    Really?

            US:      Um, yeah, sure.

            Suze:    And what do you want?

            US:      50 Billion to bail out some auto makers?

            Suze:    Why?

            US:      Uh, because theyíve spent 50 years making an inferior product that     costs more than their foreign counterpartís?

            Suze:    Denied!!  Next caller.  Talk to me.

            US:      Uh, yeah, this Beth.

            Suze:    Whatever.

            US:      I make, um, 4 Trillion a year-

            Suze:    No, you donít.

            US:      And Iím 8 Trillion in debt-

            Suze:    No, you arenít.

            US:      And Iíd like 750 Billion to bail out the banking industry and make sure the execs get bonuses.

            Suze:    Why would the execs of failed banks get bonuses?

            US:      Well, weíre afraid if we donít it will run off all the talent.

            Suze:    So, you want to give retention bonuses to banking execs that are so talented that their incompetence nearly toppled the entire economy of a nation?

            US:      UhÖyeah?

            Suze:    Denied!!

Come to think of it, I might actually vote for her.

To round out this piece quickly, and to try to not get an ulcer from thinking about it, Iíll leave with the following list:

 

Stuff Governments That Are Crazy Broke Shouldnít Have

 

1. Museums.  I donít think Iím going out on a limb here when I say that if your dumb ass is about to be homeless, maybe you should sell the Picasso.  State and Federal governments spend money funding museums that donít make a dime.  Iím sorry, but maybe you should shut them down and sell the stuff.  What good is owning a Matisse if you canít afford to hire a teacher?

 

2. Hawaii.  Iíve said it before and Iíll say it again.  Sell Hawaii.  Itís nice, or so I hear.  But we donít really need it anymore now do we?  And hey, sell it to somebody cool, whoíll let us come visit when we want.

 

3. Zoos.  These are like museums only slightly less dull, but every bit the money drain.  If youíre really hard up for cash, you could auction off the rights to do some big game hunting.  What?  Iím just sayiní.

 

4. Fancy Schmancy Buildings.  Hereís where the government needs to take a page from the eastern European play book.  Bricks and windows.  Cheap to build, cheap to maintain.  Last for damn ever.  Instead, they all look like pieces of modern art and you know that shit ainít cheap.  That goes for schools too.  You donít need light and airy two-story walkways overlooking a rock garden.  You need desks and teachers.

 

   Sorry.  Iím done.


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