Archive - August 2005


Ten Neuroses Or Less

     I remember taking a psychology class in college.  Well, maybe “remember” is a bit harsh.  I got a grade for a psychology class. (What it was is not important right now. But if my parents ask, it was an “A.”   No, wait, don’t tell them that, they’d never believe it.  Better make it a “B.”  Alright, alright, “C+.”  But that’s my final offer.)  And I remember selling a used psychology textbook.  Ten dollars!  Are you serious?!  I paid forty for it just four months ago and I never even opened it!  Ten dollars!  So, I must’ve taken the class.

     And I have brief flashes of knowledge of psychology.  Or should I say I have brief knowledge of flashes of psychology?  I’m not sure, but we won’t argue semantics today.  Let’s just say that I know enough on the subject that if you dropped me into a room full of psychologists (I believe the technical term for a room full of psychologists is “gaggle.” Or maybe “vat.”), I would be able to distract them long enough to knock several off balance as I ran screaming from the room.  I would also wonder what I could have done to make you so angry that you’re only reasonable course of action was to drop me into a vat of psychologists.

     But I do know some stuff.  Like there’s that old Austrian guy, who thought all problems were related to, well, you know.  Or that other guy, who thought the Austrian guy was wrong.  And then there’s that large southern fellow who was always trying to convince a chicken hawk that a hound dog was really a chicken. 

     Okay, that was Foghorn Leghorn.  But, man, is he funny.

     T     The guy with the dog.  I definitely remember the guy with the dog.  What was his name?  It’s right on the tip of my tongue.  As soon as I hear it I’m going to kick myself.  Well, anyway, the dog’s name isn’t important, but the man’s name was Pavlov.  Like Cher or Madonna, I think.  Just the one name.  Pavlov.  I might be making that part up.  But a lot of famous people only do have one name.  God, for example.  Or Abelincoln.  So, as far as I know, it’s Pavlov, just Pavlov.

     I remember him because of the dog.  As near as I can tell, his greatest accomplishment was being the first man to train a dog.  But nothing useful like we do today.  He didn’t train his dog not to go in the house or to fetch the paper.  No, he trained his dog not to touch the electrified knob, or lever.  Something like that.  Something about negative feedback and how the dog learned not to do whatever it was that got him shocked.  Essentially, he was able to prove the much heralded but hotly debated “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” Theory as put forth by the oft-maligned, big-hair psychologists, Whitesnake.

     As revolutionary as the “Dogs Don’t Like Being Electrocuted Theory” was, that was not Pavlov’s point.  It seems he (Pavlov, not the dog), was trying to say that people, as well as pets, learn through positive and negative reinforcement.  He would have us believe that people will eventually stop doing stupid stuff because of negative feedback. 

     Interesting theory.  Interesting, but completely and thoroughly wrong. 

     How did I arrive at this conclusion, you ask?  Simple.  Look around.  Watch people drive.  Watch an episode of “Cops.”  How many people do you personally know that will always participate in the classic “Does this taste funny to you?”  Even our inspirational sayings betray our learning disorder.  “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”  If your dog doesn’t buy into that theory, and you do, who wears the badge of the intellectually non-competitive? 

     Try this on for size and see if we don’t fall on the wrong side of the bell curve.  The grocery store.  That’s right, take a quick trip to the grocery store.  Just a few items, six or seven, maybe.  Go to checkout.  What line did you get in?  Yep, the “Express Line.”  We know there’s nothing express about it.  It has never been the quickest line.  Ever.  My credit card expired once when I was in the express line.  Years ago, I voluntarily left the express line even though I was near the register.  Why?  Because I turned twenty-one while waiting and the beer aisle was SO close.  Of course, I came back and got in line again.  Why? 

     Because Pavlov was an idiot.  I hate to be so blunt, but my anger had plenty of time swell when I spent all morning trying to buy a tube of toothpaste.


Dear Grumpy,

Kia ora my llama lovin' chum from anotha mum.

I have a problem.

People throw rocks at me for lovin' llamas so much, they ridicule me and call me 'lotion llama' (probably coz I wear lotion and I love llamas). I
have a few things I could do:

1. When they throw a rock at me I could fall to the ground and play dead.
2. I could go on a murderous rampage.
3. Move to Llamasville, Tahiti ( There is such a place you know).
4. Say "STOP IT I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading my problem.

>From Lotion Llama

P.S If you have any suggestions please reply.


 

Dear Lotion,

Make that, you've got problemS.

Hope that helps, 

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,

I would like to congradulate you on your complete waste of life. If i had this much time on my hands, i would be on Jerry Springer 24/7! And Yes i am a big fan of Steve(the big bold guy), Hes my favourite.... And now I will get back to Llamaness.
Well my favourite Llama is a girl. And i am also female(i think). And i love her soo much, but would it be lesbian if i have some form of sexual relations with her, Even if shes a Llama? But because i have raised her, and I am practicly her mother, Would that mean i am a lesbian imbred??
Please help, before time runs out and i end up losing my virginity to a female llama.
Thanks
Love, Ezbo the Lezbo

 

Dear Ezbo,

You potential homosexuality is far and away the least of your worries. 

Were you aware that you are allowed to check yourself into state-run mental health facilities, usually at the taxpayers expense?

I'm just saying is all.

Hope that helps,

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,

HELLOOOOOOO LLAMA!
firstly i would politely like to add that you are SAD AND LAME. I would secondly like to state that i have a problem and i must turn to the only person sorry llama that i trust. The thing is i actually trust another llama but i need a second opinion. My best friend is a human (i know weird huh?) but i want to ditch her for her llama. she hates her llama and doesnt treat him very well. When he is naughty she punishes him by booting him on his toes and when he tries to spit at her she hold up a scungy bin lid and it rebounds and hits him in the eye!!!1 This girl is mean and i must leave her for her llama. How can i break this to her and will other people think i am a freak? I think Llama are the future and we should all band together to save them!
thanks  for ya help chappy
from
FRIEND IN THE LLAMA GIRL


Dear FRIEND,

First of all (and this goes for a lot of you), please remember that I am, at heart, very lazy.  As such, I have no desire to correct letters for grammar and spelling, so how bout hitting the old Spell Check for me?  Great.

Secondly, what the fuck are you talking about?

Hope that helps,

Grumpy

PS Then I got this little gem from "FRIEND."

dear grumpy
guess who is grumpy now? I AM because i emailed you AGES ago and it still
isnt on your website. I am hurt extremely IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR
FOLLOWERS? you are crushing my llama dreams. HOW COULD  YOU DO THIS TO ME
i expect to see my message on the website very soon.
goodbye

Cool!  I've got a stalker!


Dear Grumpy Llama,

How can I have sex with a llama?  I am human.

 

Dear Unsigned (Not Surprisingly),

I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain.

(I assumed you were hitting on me.)

Hope that helps,

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,

My problem is a simple one, well i guess not. I dont know, i will let you be the judge of that. You see, i used to have a crush on one of my guy friends. And i thought i was over him, but everytime i hear he has done something with other friends (or is planning on it) and i am not included, i get...jealous i guess. I feel like I SHOULD be there. Now, i still believe i am over him, i can sit on the phone and talk to him for hours about my own love life. And i do not get this jealous feeling when he is doing stuff with his girlfriend(she is great, they are soo cute together), only when he does it with other friends. I don't know why, and i don't understand why i am feeling this way. Could you please help me out with this?

Sincerely,

Jealous....i guess

Dear I Guess,

I think you're gonna be okay.  Lonely, but okay.  What you have is a condition not uncommon to human females.  You have Crazy Bitch Syndrome, Simplex One. 

The good news is, it may never grow any worse, only rearing its ugly head from time to time, usually when you're drinking.  It can, however, progress, through up to four phases.

The only way to judge your state is to count facial reactions from the men around you.  (Women do not count at this as they may be suffering from the same condition and therefore will feel you're reacting completely reasonably.)

If the men around seem to be raising one eyebrow and retracting their heads after you say something, it was probably crazy.  The more often you see this, the crazier you are. 

In your case, you can only hope it progresses no farther.  Being a jealous friend is easier to forgive than being a jealous girlfriend, so you may be okay.  (Of course, I do have one eyebrow raised while I'm typing this.)

Hope that helps,

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,

My dad has a farm. so when i was 7 of course i wanted to have a llama.. well i got one. i wanted to name him "Bob The Great, King of Never-Never Land".
His name was already Primetime. that was the beginning of my llama problems. one day, out of nowhere, he just spat at me. no reason whatsoever. then one day during one of our usual rides, he bucked me off. and i landed in his shit. about a month after, him and all of his shitty little sheep friends moshed me. in their shit. the sheep! like i thought at least those little white bastards were on my side! but no. im 11 now, and he still does mean things like that. whenever i see him, he pisses at me. just runs up to me, lifts his leg and tries as hard as he can to go at that very moment. on me. so can u tell me how i can get him to stop this behavior and be my best
friend once again.

P.S.
he farts on me too


Meaghan

Dear Meaghan,

Unfortunately, you have just learned a valuable life lesson, and there is precious little you can do.  For, my dear, llamas are like people - most of them are assholes.  Sorry.

You best bet is to try to give him away to someone you don't like.  Or shoot him.  Sadly, both of these remedies are frowned upon with regards to treating human assholes.

Hope that helps,

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,

You have hooves?  Oh yea, you're a llama.  All your wise advice makes me forget that. . . how do you type though, Grumpy, if you have hooves?  Seems terribly difficult if you ask me. 
 
  -Beth

Dear Beth

Thanks for your concern!  It's nice to know some people still care.  The answer is embarrassingly simple, though.  I have a giant fucking keyboard.

Sorry it wasn't a cooler answer.

Hope that helps,

Grumpy


Dear Grumpy,

Help mr llama, ok so I have a serious issue, I'm always getting laughed at for loving llama's, not sure why anyone wouldn't, they are amazing after all...

how do I tell all the non-believers of the llama glory to F%^& off?
 
Ang

Dear Ang,

Sadly, I face a lot of discrimination like this and so I'm not surprised when I hear about it.  Upset, sure, but not surprised.

As far as telling the non-believers to F%^& off, I have two suggestions.

1.  Use a bullhorn.

2.  Use the word.  F%^& is incredibly hard to pronounce.  May I suggest the word FUCK?  It's just easier, don't you think?

Hope that helps,

Grumpy


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