Archive - April 2011

This Can’t Be Real


            People have asked me where I get my ideas from – for these columns or my short stories or my novels.  There is no one answer, and there certainly isn’t one GOOD answer.  Sometimes they just pop into my head, sometimes I’ll be reading a book or watching TV and my mind will start playing “what if” games, sometimes I just run across something.  For the last one to be successful, you have to be open to seeing it.  You don’t have to go looking for anything, but you have to be willing to see it if it’s there.  For example, this weekend I had to Google “Sweet Tomatoes” to find their phone number.  And as I got to the “t” Google fill-in popped up with “sweet things to say to your boyfriend.”  It seemed pretty innocuous, but I felt I may have stumbled onto something good.  What I wound up in was a catacomb of sad/funny websites dealing with relationships.  Some so bad, I remain to this day unconvinced that they aren’t satirical.  Not that it matters.  It was something for me to make fun of.  So here we go.

            Let’s start from the top, the Google link from “sweet things to say to my your boyfriend.”  Most of them are just borderline stupid, but some, sweet holy damn…

(4) How many stars did God steal from the sky when he made your eyes?

-Listen, if I think something sounds like a bad pick-up line, you can rest assured that it’s horrible.  

(6) Oh, Rum Rum, I just love it when you call me Baby Cakes, my wittle Rum Rum

          -And here’s where I start thinking this must be fucking joke.

(8) Hey, Tiger Toes, where'd you get that sweet tone of yours?

          -And this doesn’t help.

(10) If you were cheese, I'd want to be your macaroni.

          -Oh come on!!!

(11) Hey Pookey Schmooky, I love your Pookem Schmookems.

-Definitely a joke.  Right?

(14) Pucker up, Pumpkin, because I want to be your Pumpkin Spice!

-Fucking really?

(17) Put your arms around me, because I want to be engulfed by your heat.

          -Put down the romance novel, lady!

          Assuming these are real, and sadly, I think they are, here is the fundamental flaw – guys don’t care.  Seriously.  We don’t need to hear sweet things.  And, unless you enjoy seeing your boyfriend’s eyes roll back into his head, I wouldn’t suggest any of the above.  If you feel like you simply must say something sweet to him (and again, you don’t), just use one of these.  

          1. “Ummmm, I don’t think that’s going to fit….”

          2. “Do you mind if Jessica from my yoga class joins us?”

          3. “That seventh orgasm probably wasn’t necessary, but thanks!”

            That page linked around to a cornucopia of delusion and bad advice.  And those were fun too.  They were all run by the same woman, who is not at all bitter about anything.  She calls herself the “Break-up Guru” and her many, many, many sites offer to sell you one of her expert books on such groundbreaking subjects as “Make Him Love You!” and presuming you did and then lost him because you’re crazy enough to take this woman’s advice, “Make Him Love You AGAIN!!” 

She also runs a site called, and you know that’s gonna be a fun read.  But don’t forget,,, (I swear to God that’s a real thing),, and  So no, she’s not obsessed at all.  And on anyone of those websites, she’ll be happy to sell you a book on that very subject, including how to stop a breakup (try to guess where to get that book) for $47.  $47?!  Are you shitting me?  If your boyfriend finds out you spent $50 on that book, I can assure the breakup will be back on.  Although I must admit I was intrigued by one of her sites,  The page title is “How to eat pussy made easy!”  That is awesome on so many levels.  And for just $9, you’ll get an e-book from a lesbian telling you just how to do it!

            So I finally tore myself free of Queen Of The Lonely Heart’s webring, and stumbled on a page titled “101 question to ask your boyfriend.”  Because we all know if there’s one thing men love, it’s being hounded by personal questions.  Once again, most of the questions are just regular-grade stupid, and some of them are such that if you need Google to help you come up with them, you’ve got bigger issues.  But some, well…some are awesome.  (Note: I’m gonna quote them exactly, because the writer of the article clearly only has a nominal grasp of the English language, and well, that has some advantages.  For me, anyway.)

“If I am going to commit suicide, how or what would you say me to stop?”

            -This question will never end with you looking for a new boyfriend.  Ever.


“If I get sick, which first thong you will do for me?”

            -Probably not the thong you got sick in.  Eww…


“When I fell from a cliff, are you going to follow me because you love me truly?”

            -Ha-ha-ha-ha!           No.


“Have you even a job? And if you wear a uniform and a hat in this job?”

-Job?  Listen, if you’re reading this article for boyfriend advice, you need to lower your sights here, sweetie.


“If you come to know that I killed someone, what would be your reaction?”

            -Watch that mother fucker run!


“If you know you are not going to get caught, are you going to cheat on me?”

            What?!  No!!  I love you, baby!


“Do you think my breasts are big and round enough?”

            -Yes, until you stop letting me touch them.


“If I am wrong and you said you can cheat on me and could even stay together, would agree?”

-I have read this question 118 times, and I still have no idea what the fuck it means.


“What are the three girls I know that you like?”

            -No man has ever fallen for this.  Even at 13, we can spot a trap this big.


“If you lied about something that could end our relationship, which I say, in the hope that you forgive me?”

            -No.  Wait, yes?  Seven?  Purple?


“I do not want to have sex till we marry, is this a problem?”

            -Of course not.  Now, ask me again about cheating if I won’t get caught.


“Do you love wild sex?”

            -Yes.  It is the definition of “wild” that we might disagree on.


“Why do you like me?”

-         Watch that mother fucker run!


“What do you think when you breastfeed?”

            -Mostly, how the fuck am I breastfeeding?!


“We do not care what your friends think of me?”

            -It’s cute she phrased that like a question…


“We do not care what my friends do you think?”



“What do your friends think of me?”

-They think you’re great, until you stop letting me touch your breasts that are most certainly big and round enough.


“Do you like French kiss?”

            -Dear God, are you still talking?


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