Archive - September 2007


Yahweh To Go!


            If you ask me, organized religion is always walking that thin line between really funny and down-right terrifying.  I should know, I went to Catholic School for thirteen years.  I mean, hey, if that’s your bag, then so be it, but I don’t want it all up in my face.  Same with herpes.  I’m funny like that. 

            At NC State we had a guy we called the “Brickyard Preacher.”  Middle-aged fellow who held a Bible in one hand while screaming at passing students, calling them purveyors of filth, drug addicts, whores and whore-mongers.  (Much to my chagrin though, he would never actually give me the names of any of these whores.)  That degree of religious fervor is funny.  But we all knew he was just one bad day away from a murder spree.  That kind of religious fervor?  Not so funny.

            People just get too wound up trying to follow every little rule of their particular religion.  While this can certainly ease any thinking-for-yourself induced tension, I personally found it a bit hard to swallow.  This may surprise you, but I never was very good at following the crowd and towing the company line.  What’s my solution?  Well, agnosticism.  But I also came up with this:

            (Cue dramatic music.)

            The Church of the A La Carte.

            You come in, look over all the major tenets of all the major religions, and pick the ones you like.

What’s that you say?  Never been a fan of Catholicism’s “No Sex Before Marriage” hang up?  Out the window it goes.

Oh, you like the whole Mormon Polygamy angle?  Just put a check in the “Yes, Please” box.

You want the passion of a good old-fashioned Baptist service, but, you know, without all the crazy Baptists?  We can do that too!

Peace and Tranquility?  Check under the Buddhism section.  (Obese ethnic dude?  Optional!)

Hindu re-incarnation good, but rigid caste system not to your liking?  No problem-o!

What about whatever the Hell it is that Lutherans and Episcopalians believe?  Sure, why not?!

Something about the Jews you find appealing?  Overbearing guilt, perhaps?  Not sure why, but you can have it! 

How about Islam?  Intrigued by the idea of 70 virgins waiting for you in Heaven, but not ready to commit to the blowing yourself up aspect?  I think we can arrange that.



Choose any 11 tenets, and we’ll throw in the Roman Catholic belief that you can do whatever the Hell you want, so long as you apologize before you die, for FREE!!!!


Sunday service no good for you, football fans?  How about Wednesday evening, say 6-ish?  No?  Perhaps you’d be interested in our Online Worship Program?  Or our self-paced Correspondence Worshipping?  Active worship not really your thing?  For a small service fee, we can arrange it so that every time you say “God,” no matter what the context, it counts as going to Church!

Give the people what they want.  That’s our motto at the Church of the A La Carte!    


You know, I wrote that to be funny, but upon further review, I seriously think I’m just an Internet-based ordination and subsequent tax-exempt status away from a beach house.

I like the beach.

Dear Grumpy,


My friend owes me $80.  I lent it to her to help her with some legal troubles, and she promised to repay me immediately.  It's been almost a month.  What can I do?



Dear Anonymous.,

Your friend is a fucking liar.  Seriously.  $80 for legal troubles?  Please.  I got a speeding ticket last year and it cost $400 to take care of.  If I had to guess, she needed $80 for a quarter bag of really sweet bud, and is too damned high to remember how she got the money.

So, you can either wait 'til she gets straight and remind her.  Or get over it.

But of course, there's always door number three.  Steal $240 worth of stuff from her.  Why so much?  You want to make sure you've got your $80 covered when you pawn it.  Then, give her the claim ticket and tell her where she can find her stuff.  That, or start a rumor about how she got genital warts at age thirteen from a lesbian tryst with her camp counselor.  Everyone likes camp stories.  And lesbians.

Hope that helps,


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