STFU, Part I

     Check me out with the uber-hip, Internet-shortened language.  For those of you not “in the know,” STFU is a term used by cool kids online.  It is their way of saying Shut The Fuck Up.  Get it?

     How do I know this?  Well, I could tell you it’s because I’m a hip, young Internetter.  (That’s a copyrighted term, btw (By The Way.))  But you’ll probably assume it’s because I spend most of my time online searching MySpace for upskirt photos of wholesome mid-western cheerleaders.  And you’d be right.

     I intend to, as I deem necessary, regale you with these STFU installations as my way of letting you know who (celebrity-wise) needs desperately to stop talking.  Here’s today’s list.

     Tom Cruise:  Okay, not exactly going out on a limb here.  I think the whole universe is in agreement on this, except a few Scientologists.  But for them, Tom’s recent behavior is doing wonders for their quest to beat the Mormons as Most Ridiculed Religion, Ever.

     Bono:  Seriously, just shut up.  I mean, your righteous indignation was ALMOST cool when it was about Irish oppression.  Now, I don’t know what the hell you’re prattling on about.  Why don’t you quit globe-trotting and try to write a decent song for a change?  U2 hasn’t released a non-shitty album since The Joshua Tree.  Nearly 20 years ago.  And what the hell is with the remake of “One” with Mary J. Blige?  Jesus.  Give me 10 days, 7 howler monkeys, and a broken clarinet, and I can knock out a better version.

     Sting:  Re-read what I said about Bono.  Only difference is U2 had one album that didn’t suck.  Wish I could say the same for you.  Even when you were with The Police.  Enough of your “Cause Du Jour.”  Save the Rainforests.  Great idea, bucky.  Why don’t you sell one of your $10 million-dollar houses and buy northern Brazil?  Just try to do it without holding a frigging press conference.

     Johnny Depp:  Okay.  He doesn’t really say much, but I get this “I live in Paris and doesn’t that make me spectacular?” vibe from him.  I’ve been to Paris.  It’s not all that.  The city started to smell during the days of the Black Death and hasn’t stopped.  Move somewhere that actually IS cool, instead of somewhere that says it’s cool.  Oh, and stop overacting in pirate movies.  Leave that to the porn stars, if you don’t mind.

     Elton John:  First he says all Americans are racist.  This he gleamed from watching American Idol results.  That’s a lot of stock to put into a show that loses 90% of its appeal after the no-talent sociopath segments are done.  Now, he’s tired of heavily tattooed American bands.  And I care, why?  Did I miss a memo?  Why don’t you just go back to being a flamboyantly gay pianist and not worry so much about this crap?  Besides, I think if you go back in the closet, you might just find your talent.  Look in the back, behind the giant sunglasses and under the duck costume.

     Sean Penn:  I don’t even know where to begin with this guy.  If I was floating in highly-infectious waste water after my city had been ravaged by a hurricane, and I saw Sean Penn in a John boat heading toward me, I’d have to just say thanks, but no thanks.  Does the Screen Actors Guild hold some sort of weekend seminar on how to be a political activist?  Is Ashton Kutcher pulling off the greatest punking ever?  Look here Mr. Penn, your two most notable movie roles were playing a stoner and a retard.  Does that tell you anything?  It does me.

     That’s all for now, folks.  I don’t know when the next STFU installment will come out, but if I know self-important Hollywood types, it won’t be long.

Again with no letters.

It seems I have grossly over exaggerated the market for crappy advice columns.

Oh well.

Grumpy