Archive - October 2008


You Look Like A Monkey,

And You Smell Like One Too


     So I have a birthday coming up soon.  And no, Iím not going to tell you which one.  On the plus side, I donít expect any of you to make a fuss about it.  Unless of course your idea of a fuss revolves around Harleys and supermodels, in which case, who am I to stop you?

     As you get older, birthdays go from reasons to celebrate, to reasons to reflect, on either what you have, or have not, done with your life.  For me, Iíve managed to marry way beyond what I should have reasonably been able to do, have two kids, and maintain a surprisingly clean arrest record.  Then I think once you hit 80, birthdays are about celebrations again.  Because, hey, it beats the hell out of the alternative, right?

     So I was forced by my impending birthday to think about the reality of getting older, and I made myself try to focus on the good things about getting older.  Sadly, I had to rule out a few of the standards, like retirement and Social Security.  Because, Iím already retired (read: unemployed) and no one in my generation is expecting a dime from Social Security.  So what else is there?

     Well, Iíve got a few more years of reasonably priced health, life and auto insurance ahead of me.  Before they all start to skyrocket.  I am now allowed to say ďthose damn kidsĒ when talking about college students.  Iím not sure that counts as good, though.  And then there are the ladies.  The major benefit to growing older.  But only if youíre a man.  Or a lesbian.  I guess. 

     You see, despite what I would have most vehemently denied in my youth, as I get older, I find women my own age attractive.  At fifteen, the idea of finding a middle-aged woman attractive was laughably unthinkable.  But they are.  Which is good, especially since my wife, though she would never admit it, is in fact getting older, too.  Despite my best amateur mad scientist attempts to slow her ageing process.  (She almost tasted the Lithium and Iodine I spiked her wine with the other night.  Close one.)

     What makes this great is that once women are included in what you find attractive, they almost never make their way off that list.  When I was in college, I found college women attractive.  And guess what?  I still do.  As I grow older, the range of women I find attractive increase every year.  As a teen, it would include other teens, up to maybe a spectacular thirty-year-old.  For a man, that bottom end never goes anywhere.  Oh sure, it becomes illegal, but thatís not germane to the point.  But for the sake of legal issues, Iíll say I once found women age 18-25 attractive.  Now that range is 18-45.  Thatís 20 extra years of women.  And thatís pretty frickiní awesome.

     The other benefit is that age gives you an edge in perceived beauty.  Young women can currently get upwards of a two point bump based simply on me being old.  A co-ed who would have been a solid ď7Ē back when I was in college could easily come in at a ď9Ē now. 

     Isnít that fantastic?  As I get older, the range of women I find attractive increase, but so does their baseline of perceived hotness.  Let me say that again.  I get older, more women become more attractive. 


And I can only assume that as I continue to age, the ďpoint bumpĒ will increase.  Perhaps in my fifties a co-eds will start getting three point increases.  At that rate, by the time Iím 80, every co-ed will be a ď10.Ē  They will also of course be asking mall security to tell me to stop staring.  But they canít.  Staring is not illegal.  I checked.




ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You will be indestructible for one day.  Not sure which one, though.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     He IS into you.  He's just a dick.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     Darth Vader is Luke's father.

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     That wasn't a speed bump.

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     Try the veal piccatta.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     A boy scout will leer at you.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     He's got a crush on your brother.  Sorry.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     For the love of God, look up!

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     Meh, I've seen better.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     That's not supposed to tickle.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     Do not get in that van.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You will be shooting out the walls of heartache.  Bang-bang.  You are the warrior.

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