Archive - September 2006
Why Not To Join Al Qaeda
Oh sure, joining Al Qaeda sounds like a good idea. At first. All that media coverage. Martyrdom. And desert caves. Who doesn’t love hiding out in desert caves with forty unwashed dudes? Good times. But before you climb on that gravy train, here are a few things to consider.
1. All those frequent flyer miles you’ve been hording? Useless.
2. No health benefits. I mean, who’s gonna foot the bill when that pipe bomb you’re suitcasing misfires and rips your sphincter to shreds?
3. Turbans are really hard to tie.
4. Beards are itchy.
5. I don’t know which way Mecca is. Do you?
6. 72 Virgins. They’ll be lucky to find 72 virgins total in today’s world, much less 72 per martyr. And if they do, you can be sure they’re all 10 years old. And male. You’ve got to read the fine print people.
7. I don’t think you understand just how hard turbans are to tie.
8. 401k is entirely tied to company stock. (Enron, anyone?)
9. Osama is WAY too into April Fool’s Day.
10. Cool kids will still not let you eat at their table.
11. Despite high turnover rate, promotions are scarce.
12. During 90-day probation period, you have to hurl bottles of your own urine at infidels. At half-pay.
13. No time off at Christmas.
* Okay, this one was a little short, but I cheated. I wrote this piece in response to a contest at another website. Apparently, it wasn't funny enough for them. Luckily, the standards here at Grumpy Llama are much, much lower.
I am all too familiar with the creature in question. I have gotten many such people fired. It is quite rewarding.
First, you have to ingratiate yourself to the boss. Become indispensable. And given how nearly useless most people are, this isn't that hard. Become the "go-to-guy." (Or gal.) Then start nitpicking the slacker. Be subtle at first. Feel your way around the boss. The longer you've been "his" guy, the less subtle you need to be. Before long, the boss will see things your way, and the slacker will be gone.
Being the one competent, hard-working person around can be frustrating, but stick with it. Even if you never actually get the promotion, you'll be pulling the strings in no time. And trust me when I say nothing will bring you more satisfaction than getting a co-worker fired. Especially since the boss is unlikely to admit not coming to the conclusion on his own, so you'll be able to "tsk-tsk" when the co-worker comes to you incredulous and angry. Good times.
Another trick I learned to kill time and impress people is to grab a clipboard (doesn't matter what's on it) and walk around quickly, cussing under your breath. No one, I repeat, no one, will stop you or question what you are doing.
Hope that helps,
Absolutely! What do you think was the preferred method of birth control in Biblical times? Check Leviticus, Chapter 12. Plus, I've always been of the mindset that why else would God have given them three orifices, when one, multi-purpose hole would have been so much more efficient?
So have at it. Because if you waste this opportunity, you'll draw the ire of those of us with far fewer concerns. Or morals.
Hope that helps,
It is I, ANGER, and I feel so sorry that you have not been used. I will make a problem for people and tell them to see you for how to fix said problem. Will that make you feel better? I would send you some booze and naked women but I don't know where you are at. I know I will send it to where all good llamas go.....rehab.
But back to the serious shit. I am truly sorry Grumpy. I hope everyone has problems for you to solve.
Yours at starting shit,
Thanks for the kind words. And just the thought of booze and naked women warms the cockles of my heart. (Heh-heh, I said cockles.)
Looks like you hard work has paid off, and people have started having problems again. (Though, between you and me, I don't believe having a wife who enjoys both anal and oral sex is a problem. Unless "problem" now means "gift from God.")
Keep hope alive, Anger.
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