Archive - May 2009

Math Is Hard


       So People Magazine just came out with their 100 Most Beautiful Issue.  I caught a glimpse of some of the names a few days ago and thought it’d be funny to critique them.  I was under the impression that I would enjoy it because they wouldn’t all be beautiful people, or at least “Most Beautiful.”  Well, that’s certainly part of it, but by no means all.  See People magazine doesn’t actually put out a list of the 100 Most Beautiful.  They refuse to just list 1-100 with pictures and explanations of just who the hell these people are.  Which is a cop out.  If you’re gonna put out an issue like that, at least have the balls to rank them. 

        This forces me to flip through the entire “Special Double Issue” and decipher which pictures are supposed to be part of the list and which are not.  I had to do this three times people.  Three times.  What I learned from all of this is that the people at People are just plain stupid.  There aren’t 100 people in the list.  Remember, I counted three times.  It doesn’t come out to 100.  If you don’t include the “Beauty at Every Age” section, there are 90 people on the list.  If you do include it, there are 130.  That’s not even close.  It’s not like some asked them to figure out Pi to thousand decimal places.  They only had to count to 100.

       So anyway, I’ve gone through all 130 people of the 100 most Beautiful “list,” and pulled out the more, shall we say, questionable entries.



Claire Danes.

Okay, Claire Danes is cute.  That’s fine.  But are you telling me that, in the absolute worst case scenario, there are only 99 people on the planet that are hotter than her?



The 90210 Girls. 

Apparently there are 4 of them.  A Google Image search turned up this picture, so I’m gonna assume it’s them.  Who the hell cares, really?  Also, see Claire Danes comment.



Kara Dioguardi. 

If you know her, and you probably don’t, it’s because she’s the new judge on American idol.  And okay, she’s attractive.  But let’s face it, if you’re gonna do one of the judges, it’d be Paula, because you’d get to raid her medicine cabinet while she OD’d slept.


Amanda Bynes. 


Okay, she’s hot.  But really, the only reason we care is that because like most child stars, we want to keep track of her so we’ll know when she starts doing porn.


Michelle Obama. 

Oh come on, now.  Look, she’d probably make the list of Top 10 First Wives (though Dolley Madison had great rack) , but 100 Most Beautiful?  I can only assume that People included her to increase their chances at some bail out money.

Why bother? Then we have 6 people who are connected on one way or another with the current administration.  And I’m not gonna bother putting their pictures up because it’d take too damn long and is completely unnecessary.  I’ll give People Magazine that they probably are the 6 most attractive people n the White House, but what does that really get you?

Zac Efron. 

I guess she’s all right.  But her hair looks ridiculous, she desperately needs to pluck her eyebrows and she has NO tits.  Plus, Zac is a weird name for a girl…Hold on, my wife is saying something … Really? ... You’re sure?...If you say so…Okay, so apparently that’s a dude.  I know, me neither.

Kim Kardashian.




If having a giant ass was all it took to make this list, where’s my 7th Grade History teacher?


Now I’m gonna let you in on a comedy secret.  A lot of the time, what you leave in isn’t nearly as funny as what you leave out.  For instance, only 2 of the 3 Jonas brothers made the list.  Ahahahahaha.  So suck on that apparently less attractive Jonas!  I don’t know how their family does things, but in my family, that would get you ridiculed for a good thirteen years.  Here’s hoping.




ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     Expect some bad news.  Not dead kitten bad.  More like, you've got crabs bad.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     He's not THAT harmless.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     Your new boss will catch you masturbating.  At work. 

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     You will give an Aires crabs.

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     That was her belly button, dude.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     Buy more toilet paper.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     You will find out just how much worker's comp will pay for a toe.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     A poorly-hung Leo will ravage your midriff.  It will be the best night you've had this year.

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     If you see a midget in fishnet stockings, stay away from him.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     No, you didn't give her lockjaw.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You will be going away soon.  To prison.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You like big butts.  Also, you are incapable of lying.

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