Archive - March 2008


 

Manscaping:

It’s Not Just for Porn Stars, Anymore

 

     Manscaping.  You know, the art of taking care of body hair . . . down there.  A long time staple of men in the adult industry, manscaping is becoming more and more popular with the everyday set.  Hell, Jim in Purchasing probably does it.  And why do you think Stan on the loading dock is so fidgety?  It’s time for him to freshen up.

     So, why would one go to such lengths?  I’ve heard two fairly convincing arguments in favor of it.  One is the promise (often implied) of “extra” attention from your lady.  No, she won’t say exactly what she means, because she’s not stupid.  She knows that you’ll immediately assume it’s whatever your favorite “attention” happens to be.  This is a pretty persuasive argument.

     The second argument, and the one that undoubtedly can swing a voter, is that manscaping provides you an additional “visual inch.”  And men will take an extra inch however they can get it, visual or otherwise.

     As for the “Con” side of the debate?  Well, many different points get raised here, but they all boil down to “Shave my what?!”  The “Con” folks have a valid position.

     In the end, the decision remains yours, and yours alone.  If you decide to try it, the journey has just begun.  Now you have to figure out how. 

Fortunately (or perhaps, unfortunately), the options are fairly limited. 

     1.  Chemical Hair Remover:  Tricked you here.  Because this is not, any way, shape, or form, an option.  Do NOT put this on your person.  Unless, of course, you rather enjoy searing, unthinkable, dear-God-when-will-it-end pain.  Not unlike the time your girlfriend made you watch “Titanic.”

     2.  Regular razor:  Okay.  Sounds simple enough.  And men typically have a good deal of experience in the care and handling of said instrument, so it makes sense.  Of course, you’re putting sharpened steel on your important parts and scraping it along.  I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that the topography of the male anatomy seems an ill-suited locale for this instrument.  Like skateboarding in a rock quarry.  You could probably do it, but you’re going to worry the whole time.

     3.  Electric razor/Personal shaver:  The “Personal Shaver” market has come on strong recently.  And, in this case, it certainly seems to be the most promising route.  Sharpened steel blades are shielded from direct contact with your skin.  And that’s always good.  Of course, they are running at around 5000 RPM’s and were manufactured by the cheapest bidder, likely a 7-year-old kid hopped up on the free espressos they give out to increase production.  Probably best not to think about that.

     4.  Waxing:  Yeah, I know.  I had to look it up, but apparently this is actually an option.  Expensive (around $100 for a “Brazilian”), but the results are supposed to last about a month.  You will find yourself in some very embarrassing positions as the aesthetician works her way around, but you’ll be too busy screaming like a baby to care.  You could go for the full-body wax if you wish, but that’s a bit extreme, unless you’re an Olympic swimmer by day and a porn star by night.  Or Sasquatch.  Or a Baldwin.

     The choice is yours, my friend.  But whatever you do, remember this paraphrased advice of Sgt. Phil Esterhaus (Hill Street Blues), and “Let’s be careful down there.” 


 

Dear Grumpy,

I've applied to university now, and on the off chance I get accepted, what do the universities not tell you about the dorms? During the presentations, they always ended up making the dorms seem like the Holy Grail of housing, and I know this can't be true.

Thanks, from Possible Freshman
(P.S., if I major in Fine Arts, is there even a vague chance of my getting a job, like the brochure claims?)

 

Dear PF,

You are right to be so suspicious of university housing offices.  Here's the low-down on dorms:

They suck.

Period.

But, do it for a year.  No more, though.  You'll meet the most people that way.  And while most of them will be dicks, you'll eventually find the people you actually do want to hang around.  Sadly, you'll be forced to shower with them. 

Here's what you'll need to find. 

1.  The guy with the car.  He might be a dick, but a car is invaluable.  Pretend to like him.  WARNING:  Do not BE the guy with the car.  People will harass you all the time.

2.  The guy who's 21, or who has a killer fake ID.  WARNING:  See above warning.

3.  The guy who always has some pot.  WARNING:  See above.

If you happen to find all of the above in the same guy, you've struck gold.  Also, know that the odds of you liking your roommate are slim to none.  Even if he's your best bud from high school.  One, or possibly both, of you is going to turn into a dick.

If you're a male, and you have a high school girlfriend, keep her for your freshman year.  It's the only way your getting laid.  The older girls don't want anything to do with your immature ass.  And the freshmen girls are ga-ga for the older guys, who are infinitely smoother than you are.  You may dump your girlfriend in August before your sophomore year.  Also, it is a good idea to find out who might be dorming it the next year, when you have an apartment.  They will have access to freshmen girls looking for a place to go when they get mad at their boyfriends who decided not to come up that weekend.  These girls are looking for drinks and revenge.  You really couldn't ask for anything more.

If you're a female, you will be having lots of sex.  Oh, you might not believe it now, because you love your boyfriend and even though he's going to a different school you're going to see each other every weekend and IM every night.  Fast forward to 3 weeks later.  He calls at the last minute on Friday because he can't make it.  He says he's studying, but you can hear the drunk idiots in the background yelling for him to "Hurry the fuck up already!"  You are mad and your roommate (who is undoubtedly a whore) talks you into going to this party.  You meet a smooth talking upperclassman (probably pre-med) and you never see those panties again.  You might be mad at your roommate, but it doesn't matter, by October you're sleeping in the common room because she's on a quest to get each and every STD by Christmas break.  On your bed.

Oh, and remember that kid in 5th grade, who, when the teacher left the room, she would call on to take the names of anyone who misbehaved, and he actually DID.  Meet your RA.  An ounce of power, and 20 pounds of attitude.  You'll be sick of his shit by September and spend the rest of the year (and half a grade point) plotting and executing practical jokes on him.  You'll do some community service when the fireworks you threw in his room catch his couch on fire.

It will be worth it.

Please feel free to seek more advice on specifics once you move in.

 

Hope that helps,

Grumpy Llama


HOROSCOPES

 

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You will eat a salad.  Perhaps, two.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     You will punch a hobo.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     You will fart in an elevator.  You will think no one knows it was you.  They will.


CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     You will shame your drunk friend, Nate.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     No less than 7 people will look in your general direction.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     A hobo will punch you.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     You will get oral sex from your significant other.


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     You will purchase office/school supplies.


SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     Blondes will find you intriguing.  Red-headed dudes will glare at you.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     You have had all the sex you ever will.  Sorry.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You will give your significant other oral sex.  A lot.  In fact, tonight would be great.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You will believe everything some unemployed jackass writes on his website.


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