Archive - March 2006
Stop it. Just stop it.
Anyone who knew me during my adolescence (which ran well into my mid-twenties) would be shocked to find me a proponent for more rules. Not that I was a criminal. More of a scofflaw, really. Or, as Iím sure I was referred to in the teacherís lounge, a ďlittle shit.Ē Didnít think I knew that, did you Sister Mary Margaret?
But the older I get, the more I realize it is a tremendously silly thing to do to trust other people to do the right thing. So we need more rules. And this means you, popular music industry.
I was tempted to issue a blanket statement. One all-encompassing rule that simply said: Stop Sucking. But that might be open to interpretation. So let me lay down some specifics for you.
First, under no circumstances should a performer re-make, even using the original arrangement, any John Lennon song. Seriously. Iíve heard a couple in the last few years, and I almost petitioned congress to make it legal for these people to be dragged out back and used as a trampoline. Youíre not John Lennon. You never will be. On your best day, you are talented enough to have been John Lennonís HVAC repairman. Cease and desist.
I would like this rule to cover all Beatlesí songs, but that problem has grown so rampant, that such a request would like asking a 16 year-old boy to stop thinking about boobies. Hell, I canít do that now.
Secondly, for the ladies. If youíre going to do a serious song on a serious subject, I need you to do me one little favor. Be unattractive. Example: I saw some Kelly Clarkson video the other day, and while I couldnít bring myself to pay full attention, the gist of the song and video seemed to pertain to abandonment, with implied abuse. Pretty serious stuff, no? Unfortunately, all I could think about was how nice it would be to nuzzle up in those hot Texas buns and read a good book. Sorry, but serious songs need to be sung by ugly people.
There are plenty more, Iím sure, but they would all be adequately covered by the ďStop SuckingĒ statute outlined above. Things like, no more boy bands, ever. Or, pop starlets are not allowed to wear shirts that cover their midriff. Or, if your last name is Simpson, go away.
And donít think youíre off the hook, Hollywood. Youíve got a long and illustrious history of sucking. All I ask is that you stop re-making movies. Period. Either the movie sucked the first time, and hence will suck again. And so re-making it would be like going back to the bar to find the two a.m. hook up from last week, and doing it again, only sober. Or the movie was good, and youíll invariably suck it up (usually by putting an untalented starlet du jour in the lead role), thereby ruining two movies in the process.
Hey, if youíre that hard up for ideas, read a frigging book. There are a lot out there.
Or, if you canít muster the energy to read, call me, I've got a ton of ideas. Granted, most of them involve tentacled aliens hell-bent on destroying the earth, and a busty heroine with a penchant for getting wet.
What do you mean, "isn't really always there?"
Can he go ethereal? (Shout out to the AD&D'ers!!) Or is he just a stoner? Intermittently stupid? This information would really help.
Discomfort is always the key to getting someone to leave you alone. Whether it be physical, psychological, or spiritual. People won't hang around someone who is always making them feel uncomfortable.
You can kick him in the groin every time he comes near you. That won't take long to take effect. However, if you're ever looking forward to dating, this won't do you much good. Unless you're really, really, really hot. Then lets face it, people will still want to date you, including, unfortunately, this guy.
For the best psychological advantage, laughter is always the best medicine. Just make sure he knows you're laughing AT him, not WITH him. You be surprised how stupid people can be with regards to that issue. The best way to do it would be to go out with him, then snake your hand down his pants. If you laugh then, I can I assure you, he won't bother you again. Plus, when word gets out you give hand jobs on the first date, you'll be uber popular.
Spiritual is hard. You'll need to find out what religion he is, and constantly tell him you're the polar opposite of his. For instance, if he's Jewish, you be Muslim. If he's Hindu, eat a steak in front of him. If he's a conservative Christian, you be open-minded and non-judgmental. That'll drive him crazy!
Well, good luck with the stalker, and here's hoping I don't read about you in the paper any time soon. (That can be a considerable danger when you laugh at person who isn't "all there." Or a conservative Christian. Wait, that might be redundant.)
Hope that helps,
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