Archive - June 2009


Creative Genius, Part I

 

     So it occurred to me that referring to making fun of pop songs as Creative Bankruptcy was just silly for two reasons.  One, it makes me look bad.  And I don't need any help there.  But two, and more importantly, it's wrong.  Mining such a rich vein of comedic material doesn't make me bankrupt.  It makes me smart.  Not using this treasure trove would be like Jon Stewart not making fun of politicians.  Hell, I can barely get these updates done as it is.  I'll try to do other stuff too, but I mean, come on, I can't pretend like this stuff doesn't deserve mocking.  So to kick off my Creative Genius series, I present the lyrical stylings of Boys II Men.  Oh yeah.

(Lyrics in bold, hopefully amusing commentary in not bold.)

I'll Make Love To You



Close your eyes
make a wish
And blow out the candlelight
For tonight is just your night

Okay.  It sounds like maybe it's her birthday?  This should work out fine.  My research has shown that all women really want for their birthdays is sex.  Of course, my research also shows that unicorns are allergic to oxygen, so my methods may be suspect.


We're gonna celebrate
All thru the night

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.  Even if you could, nobody wants it to last that long.  Trust me.


Pour the wine
light the fire

Wait.  Didn't you just tell her to blow out the candle?  What the hell?  And do you know how hard it is to start a fire?  She doesn't want to do that.  And if she did, she could really use an open flame, say from a candle.


Girl your wish is my command
I submit to your demands

No shit.


I'll do anything
Girl you need only ask

Newsflash.  Unless you've been married for several years, she's not gonna ask.  Your dopey ass better figure it out.  And quick.  You're only going to get a couple of shots at this before she moves on.  Probably to that damn Marcus kid across the quad.  He thinks he's so fucking cool with his motorcycle and his pet boa constrictor, God I fucking hate that guy.

Anyway...

(Chorus)


Girl relax
let's go slow

Haha.  "Let's go slow."  If I had a nickel...


I ain't got nowhere to go

So you do have somewhere to go?


I'm just gonna concentrate on you

Haha.  "I'm just gonna concentrate on you."  If I had nickel... 

Dude, now tell her that you are allergic to condoms and that you've never had a girl go down on you before and you wonder what that feels like.  Man, it's like freshman year up in here.


Girl are you ready

I'm gonna put three grand on "No, no she's not."

It's gonna be a long night

Again.  It isn't going to be a long night.  If you're in high school, you're simply too excited to go long, plus you have a curfew.  In college, you'll drink enough that going all night will be a physical possibility, but the odds of finding a girl who actually wants a 150 pound pasty white dude with long hair floundering on top of her someone like you is remote.  If you're married, you know how important a good night's sleep really is.


Throw your clothes on the floor
I'm gonna take my clothes off too

Except your socks, dude.  If I've learned anything from porn, and I think I have, it's that chics love it when you leave your socks on.  Also, her roommate is likely going to barge in and then join you.


I made plans to be with you

Yeah you did.  Especially if you replace "I made plans" with "I prayed to every God I've ever heard of."


Girl whatever you ask me
You know I'll do

Poorly.  Quickly, but poorly.

(Chorus)

Baby tonight is your night
And I will do you right

Ahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahaha.....


Just make a wish on your night
Anything that you ask
I will give you the love of your life

Assuming, of course, that you've never done this before.
 

Chorus:


I'll make love to you
Like you want me to

No.  No you won't.


And I'll hold you tight
Baby all through the night

No.  No you won't.


I'll make love to you
When you want me to

Yeah.  That's pretty much your only option.  Unless...


And I will not let go
Till you tell me to

Hey, that dude said these roofies would last longer!

 

    Ladies, for a real treat, go back and read through the song again, this time ignoring my comments.  But here's what I want you to do: Pretend a guy is actually saying these thing to you.  If you aren't laughing by the fourth line, congratulations, you are a fourteen-year-old virgin and your Robert Pattinson poster is on the ceiling over your bed.

 


HOROSCOPES

 

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     Wear a cup on Thursday.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     No, you're just an asshole.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     He's just not that into you.  Or any girls, really.


CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     Wait until Friday to kick an Aries in the groin.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     Yeah, it's not supposed to bend like that.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     You will be upper-decked.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     That's not her clitoris.  It's a kidney bean.  Don't ask.


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     If it turns purple, relax your grip.


SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     She's gonna need cab fare.  You're gonna need penicillin.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     He's fifteen.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     Have your camera on you all the time.  Trust me.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You will have the funk.  You've got to have that funk.


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