Archive - June 2008


 

Top 8 Rejected Video Games

 

  Every year brings greater, newer, and, well, snazzier video games.  The video game industry brings in billions, and provides nerds across the country with a safe, clean outlet through which they can release their sexual frustrations.  Because they’re nerds, and, you know, they’re not having sex.  ‘Cuz they’re nerds.

  With that in mind, here are the Top 8 Rejected Video Games:

 

  1. Trumpet Hero

Tagline:  “Blow your way to the top.”

Description:  To be the best, you must beat the best.  In the quest for greatness, you’ll have to go head to head with such legendary trumpeters as: Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, Doc Severinsen, Erskine Hawkins, and Ziggy Elman just to name a few!  If you think you’ve got the chops, just pick up, plug in, and toot the night away!

Why It Failed:  Why didn’t it fail?  First, it’s a trumpet, and passing that controller around a room full of gamers is a hygienic nightmare.  Second, it’s a trumpet.  Most hardcore gamers already play the trumpet. For real.  And if playing an actual instrument doesn’t make you cool, playing the video game simulation of it isn’t going to help one little bit.  Plus, did I mention it’s a trumpet?

 

  1. Halo 4

Tagline:  “The Master Chief Gets an Oil Change (wink-wink)”

Description:  The Covenant is in disarray, all Halo installations have been taken offline, and the flood has been wiped from the galaxy.  Now, the Master Chief has earned a little R & R.  You’ll guide the Chief through the dizzying lights and sordid alleys of New Las Vegas.

Why It Failed:  Beta testers (see also: uber nerds) had a significant tendency to “download the schematics” a bit, er, prematurely.  In fact, none of them made it past even the first cut scene – Cortana manually resetting her interface module.

 

  1. World Series of Accounting

Tagline:  “Debit this, mother trucker!”

Description:  The end of the fiscal year is looming, and due to company-wide cutbacks, you’re the last man standing in the accounting department.  Shareholder statements have to be correlated, stock options recalculated, and you still haven’t decided whether to report that little bit of embezzlement on the CEO’s part.  Plus, that pedderass McAllister in purchasing wants his projections like yesterday!  You’ll need to keep your wits about you to wind your way through this corporate minefield and make it to Friday!

Why It Failed:  It’s about accounting.

 

  1. Grand Theft Auto:  Calcutta

Tagline:  “Kill ‘em all, let Vishnu sort ‘em out.”

Description:  Traffic is in an endless gridlock, and you’ve got to get from your parents house to your new job at the tech support hotline, and you’ll do anything to get there on time.  Throw your bike at a cabby who stopped to help a leper and steal his car.  Watch as rickshaw after rickshaw meets its fate beneath your newly procured wheels.  Force three-wheeled tuk-tuks off the road and into throngs of impoverished villagers shopping at the open air market.  Open fire on anyone that gets in your way!  From the Brahman class to the untouchables, no one escapes your wrath!

Why It Failed:  All the programming in the world is done in India.  They, oddly enough, weren’t too fond of this one. 

 

  1. Call of Duty 5

Tagline:  “Where’s my damn check?”

Description:  Friendly fire has taken your left leg from the knee down.  You awake in an Army hospital in northern Virginia and begin six months of intensive rehab to learn to walk again.  (Done in real time!)  When you finally get to move back home, your parents have changed your bedroom into a “sex chamber” and your girlfriend is sleeping with the janitor from the middle school.  And to top it all off, the damn VA cut your disability check in half!  If you thought the war was hell, you were wrong.  Just watch your Rage Meter, if it goes red, you’re off on a three state killing spree, and there is no starting over.

Why It Failed:  Nerds are actually good at navigating “the system” and guilting their parents.  Average time to completion of game: 17 minutes.

 

  1. High School Reunion

Tagline:  “Damn!  She got fat!”

Description:  Your tenth high school reunion is coming up.  You’ve got six weeks to find a better job (or at least a better title for the job you’ve got), get a girlfriend (or save enough money for a decent-looking hooker), and lose 30 pounds.  And that’s just half the fun!  Once you get there, you’ve got to successfully avoid your ex-girlfriend who showed up with her millionaire husband and the guy who’s still pissed you gave him the wrong answers for that History final.

Why It Failed:  If there’s one thing nerds hate more than high school, it’s things that remind them of high school.

 

  1. SHOP!

Tagline:  “Don’t forget the coupons!”

Description:  The kids get out of school at 3:30, it’s now 2:15!  Your husband is bringing the new boss home at 6 for dinner.  Can you get through the store and out the door – without forgetting anything – by 3 so you have time to get the kids and not have to pay the late pick-up fee again?  As you progress through each level, it gets harder.  You’ll have to fight double-coupon day madness, or maybe one of the kids is sick and had to stay home from school.  Trust us, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Why It Failed:  There’s a reason housewives remain an untapped market for video games.

 

  1. To Catch A Predator

Tagline:  “Hey, you’re not a chick!”

Description:  You’re a pedophile deftly navigating MySpace and Facebook profiles looking for that perfect target, but before you make that ever so important “date,” you better make sure it’s not a news crew setting you up.  Be careful, it might be Sweeps Week!

Why It Failed:  “You’re a pedophile.”


Dear Grumpy Llama,

 

Using your newly defined punctuation.

 

INSPIRING NEW COLUMN, sarcasm

(was I supposed to use the , in there?)

 

When I tried out the new punctuation (using the . instead of : ) at the end of the first line in the body of this email (see above), I have found that Microsoft has a conspiracy against your new punctuation theory, reflected in the identification of a grammar error by my outlook editor.  There must be more to this Microsoft thing than I first thought. Borderline conspiracy theory, as read by a dark, sinister wizard

 

Although, I really think I like this new punctuation, elated eastern European school girl (lookie there, made up a new one)

 

Wow! This is getting more confusing than breaking military codes, which brings me to my question…  finally: (ha, ha : :) )

 

Why haven’t we seen the emergence of Pig Latin on social networking sites? Aren’t teens still hiding from the parents?  I’m sure parents are now savvy to MySpace and Facebook so they must still need pig latin.  Pig latin would be more cumbersome to type but don't you think it will become more prominent when voice recognition software replaces keyboards all together?

 

Thanks,

Concerned for all my friends’ kids

 

 

Dear Concerned,

 

Two things.  First, leave the making up new grammar stuff to the professionals.  Namely, me.  I mean, elated eastern European schoolgirl?  How often does that come up?  Besides, they are rarely European and almost never schoolgirls.  I don't care what pictures they send you.  Second, of course there's a Microsoft conspiracy.  They are always trying to get me.

 

Now, onto your question.  While it does sound good for the kids to start using pig latin, the reality is it'll never last.  Remember, there was a time not too long ago when parents were utterly lost trying to figure out text messaging shorthand.  (WTF?  LOL!)  But eventually, they figured it out, and subsequently ruined it by using it themselves.  (Side note - white people do the same thing to black people quite often - am I ri-z-ight?)  I think the only way for the kids to really get around their parents continued snooping is to encrypt all messages into the backgrounds of naked pictures of their girlfriends and post those on Facebook and MySpace.  In fact, they should start right away.

 

Hope that helps,

 

Grumpy


HOROSCOPES

 

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You will encounter a Mexican.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     You will fail to "get it."


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     The Archbishop wants his hat back.


CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     You are not a good golfer.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     A blue car will be parked in your row.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     Your makeover will fail utterly.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     You will stub your toe.


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     A fingernail will find its way into your popcorn.


SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     Band-aids do not go there.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     You will try to make it through a yellow light.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You will get a papercut.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     Do not buy that Nickelback CD.


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