Archive - June 2007
How to Ruin a Threesome
So you’ve managed to pull it off, huh? The coup de grace, sexually speaking. Congratulations, Sir. Now don’t fuck it up.
What’s that? Of course this is for guys. Why? Because, like all things sexual, it’s no big deal for a woman to have a threesome. You just pretty much have to want to. And don’t start with that whole “girls can’t have sex anytime they want to” bullshit. Women assert this all the time, but it’s simply not true. You CAN have sex, not only whenever, but, quite frankly, wherever, you want. The problem is, you’re answering a different question. You’re inferring things into the question when you say that you can’t.
What you mean is:
Women can’t have (good) sex whenever they want. (Sorry, Margaret.)
Women can’t have sex (where they don’t get crabs) whenever they want. (Sorry, Beth. And Margaret.)
Women can’t have sex whenever they want (without getting stalked for six months after). (Honestly, Judith, you can let the restraining order lapse already. I promise.)
Women always place qualifiers on sex. Me, I’m simpler. My only qualifier is “consensual.” When women say they can’t have sex whenever they want, they mean romantic, passionate sex with a Brad Pitt look-alike who’s going to respect them in the morning and not steal their coffee maker while they’re sleeping. (Sorry, Jennifer.)
Maybe you women will say you can’t have the 2 guy threesome because your boyfriend won’t agree to it. But you’re wrong, or lying, or just not trying. You want two guys? Promise him a two girl threesome if he agrees. Done. Now, here’s how you can avoid ruining it. Make sure the second guy is smaller than your boyfriend. Much, much smaller. Laughably smaller. No, it won’t be particularly good for you, but that’s not really my problem, is it, slut?
Now, for the fellas. Here are the things you should never, ever do if/when you finally talk your girl into a threesome.
1. NEVER bring in a woman whose boobs, ass, thighs, hips, lips, stomach, legs, nose, ears, eyes, or ankles are smaller, bigger, firmer, softer, rounder, tighter, higher, plumper, thinner, bonier, or longer than your girlfriend’s. Good luck with that.
2. NEVER call your Mom during.
3. NEVER let your idiot friend Dave hide in the closet to watch, because that stupid fuck will sneeze just as it’s about to get going and spoil the whole damn thing! So just fuck you, Dave!! Fuck you to hell!!
4. NEVER forget to take off the lens cap.
5. NEVER call her Mom during.
6. NEVER pay up front.
7. NEVER stop everything for “a poop and a smoke.”
8. NEVER reveal to your girlfriend midway through that the other girl is your secret girlfriend with whom you’ve been cooking up homemade meth for the last six months, then throw your old girlfriend in the trunk of your car and go on a cross-country crime spree, stopping only to rob convenience stores and fornicate on the truck lid to the muffled pleas of your gagged, now ex-girlfriend emanating from within, then get cornered by cops in a quarry just east of Flagstaff and die in hail of bullets.
9. NEVER insist the girls “have at it” while you recharge in the corner with a quick nap.
10. NEVER, while “coitally involved” with the second girl, look back at your girlfriend and say, “Umm, hello? Those balls aren’t going to lick themselves.”
Also, I’m working on a theory about clones, and their usefulness in these situations. Maybe women would be easier to convince if the second girl was a clone. Then, touching her would be just like masturbating, right? Since she’s genetically identical. That wouldn’t be gay, would it? I mean, I’m not gonna touch my clone. But that’s different.
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