Archive - July 2009

Not So Fast, Sparky


       You know how sometimes, you come with up something that just sounds like a sure-fire hit.  An idea comes to you and you think, what could possibly go wrong?   Well, it happens to me too.  Last monthís entry, for example, took four tries to pull off.  And Iím not saying it was my opus or anything.  Just that the first three starts, that sounded so good in my head, turned out to be just that, starts.  No middles, no endings.  Not that I get terribly bothered by things that donít follow the accepted structure, except that even just as starts, they werenít long enough for me to pass off as completed entries.

       And so, because I am delusional enough to believe that what you lovely readers REALLY want is another self-indulgent look inside my brain, Iím going to spell out all three attempts for you, because Iím too lazy/stubborn to let even one half-baked idea die a peaceful death.

       So here we go. 

       Idea #1:  Things That Sound Like Racial Slurs, But Really Arenít

       This is actually a little game my pal Daniel ( and I play.  Itís pretty funny when weíre drinking and our wives are at the far end of the table trying desperately to ignore our childish behavior.  So hereís what I had.

-         Gelato

-         Chigger

-         Bean-o

-         Frijoles Negro

-         Yellow Tail

-         Brussels Sprout

-         Harry Potter

   Unfortunately, thatís when the well ran dry.  I was going to expound on them and then explain what they really were, but it was still too short, so I said fuck it.  Then I had an epiphany, and came up withÖ


   Idea #2:   TV Shows That Sound Like Sex Acts

   So same general premise, same general shortcomings.  (hee-hee General Shortcomings Ė worst porn name ever.  Seriously though, porn industry, donít even think about stealing that.)

-         Two and a Half Men

-         Bones

-         Sliders

-         Knight Rider

-         Dick Van Dyke Show

-         Starsky and Hutch

-         Ugly Betty

-         Malcolm in the Middle

-         Nip/Tuck

-         Smallville

-         Wife Swap (duh)

-         Hole in the Wall

   Then Iíd make a crude comment, probably involving anal sex and/or dwarves and then pat myself on the back for being a comedic genius.  Still not enough material.  But then, my crowning achievement.


   Idea #3:  Great Names For Gay Bars

   Truth be told, I still really like this one, thereís just not enough there to make it full piece so Iím sticking it here rather than deprive you good people of my tremendous wit.


-         The Tool Shed

-         Banana Republic

-         The Man Hole (actual credit goes to a friend, who wanted to name a bar The Man Hole so he could charge a ďMan Hole cover.Ē  He never specified if it would be a gay bar, but come on, how could it not be gay?)

-         Dipsticks (alternately, Dipstix)

-         Thunder Road

-         Mister Fisterís

-         Abe Fromanís (who knows their Ferris Bueller?)

-         Jiffy Lube


   So there you go.  Thanks for indulging my raging sense of self-importance. 

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