Archive - July 2008
The “Five” is a cute a little game played by married couples wherein you each get to pick five celebrities with whom you are allowed, should the opportunity arise, to have sex without any repercussions. Non-married folks can play too, I guess, but who the hell cares? If you’re not married, there’s not a lot to do if one of you cheats, other than get your toothbrush and mix CD back.
Anyway, here are the five celebrities that I am allowed to sleep with. (NB – the list is updatable, celebs may drop out due to death or craziness (you had your chance, Britney.))
1. Lily Allen
She’s cute. Okay, maybe she’s not the hottest celebrity on the face of the planet, but it’s not all about that. She wins points in several other categories. First, she has in the past admitted to her father that she dabbles in anal sex. Extra credit for dabbling, and being bold enough to admit it to your father. Second, she’s British. They always get a few extra points in my book. Third, she’s a Brit with a propensity for getting totally hammered at completely inappropriate times. And that is always, always fun. Plus, she once wore a dress that showed Bambi getting decapitated, and you simply have to respect that.
2. Jessica Alba
Since I’m making a list of people whom I’ll never meet, and even if I did, wouldn’t sleep with me, I’m going to make it be exactly what I want. So, while the Jessica Alba of today is no slouch, I’m gonna have to insist the Jessica Alba that I’m allowed to sleep with is the one from Dark Angel. Nowadays, actresses become so obsessed with staying thin as they get older, their faces start to look a bit drawn, like they’re considering whether or not to have a heroin problem.
3. Jessica Biel
No qualifiers needed here. Jessica Biel of today, of yesterday, Hell, maybe even of a week from Wednesday. I mean seriously, have you seen her?
4. Evangeline Lilly
The Lost star does get a qualifier. I want her dirty, like on the show. She’s fine and all that when she’s dolled up for the red carpet, but there’s something about her dirty. Not smelly, mind you. But dirty. Though, in reality, I don’t have a sense of smell, so if that’s what she’s into, I’m okay with it. Call me.
5. Deal or No Deal Briefcase Chick Number 7
Okay, I’m not sure she counts as a celebrity, especially since I don’t even know her name, but she’s on TV a lot, so I’m going to count it until I hear otherwise. I don’t know, she’s just hot. And this space was reserved for Jennifer Garner, but the Missus said I can’t have her on the list. She’s not far enough removed from our reality as she’s sort of the friend of a friend, so there is a miniscule chance I could actually meet her. I think it’s cute that my wife thinks that would matter. As if an introduction is the only thing keeping Jennifer Garner from jumping me. I suppose my wife needs to believe this for her own self-esteem. She just can’t bear the idea that she’s the only woman silly enough to fall for what I try to pass of as “charm.” I’m a good guy, so I’ll let her have this one.
This next bit isn’t part of the game, but this wasn’t as long as I had hoped, so I’m gonna throw this in to pad the word count. I present to you my “Bottom 5.” The five celebrities that my wife should be extra-pissed at me if I ever slept with.
1. Sara Jessica Parker
2. Rosie O’Donnell
3. Kathy Griffin
4. Rosie O’Donnell
5. Vin Diesel
ARIES (March 21 - April 19):
Zipper slowly. Trust me.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):
A van will follow you for over six blocks.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):
Never mind what Mick Jagger said, time is most certainly NOT on your side.
CANCER (June 22- July 22):
Mariah Carey does not owe you $17.
LEO (July 23 - August 22):
You should really get that looked at.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):
A fat guy will eat your hamburger.
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):
A dog will crap in your yard.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):
Your boss will not be amused.
SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):
I can't believe you just ate that.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):
You will complain to HR. They will not care.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):
Your burps will taste like bananas, for no reason.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20):
That guy, Bob? He's a douche bag.
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