Archive - January 2009


Creative Bankruptcy, Part Deux 


       This may come as a surprise to some of you, but sometimes, being cheap can have its drawbacks.  I know, I know, I was caught off guard too.  For instance, the CD player in my car is not functioning properly.  The CD that’s in there now has been in there for three months now, with no end in sight.  And so, because I am astonishingly cheap, I am forced to flip through the radio stations in the desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll stumble on one song that doesn’t suck.  You can guess how often that happens.  But speaking of things that suck, I have had the misfortune of listening to a Beyonce Knowles song several times.  So here’s my take on it.  Lyrics in italics, witty comments in regular.


If I Were A Boy – Beyonce Knowles

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Uh, the only thing that’s stopping you from doing that now is that you’re a shallow, vapid attention whore with an over-inflated sense of self-worth.  Just sayin’.

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me

Where do I begin?  “Never get confronted for it?”  80% of all male interaction is making fun of or otherwise emotionally abusing each other.  Especially for chasing down fatties.  Also, I’m a middle-aged, hopelessly un-hip white guy, and even I know that no one has used the phrase “kick it” in at least seven years.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

Wait.  Are you the boy here?  Or are you back to being a girl wishing she was a boy?  And actually it sounds a bit like you’re a gay boy.  Is that what you want?  Is Beyonce admitting here that she wants to date a gay guy?  I mean, that’s fine and all.  And quite frankly, she could probably get pretty far on drag queen night before anyone figured it out.  What?  Don’t kill the messenger.

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

There is not one part of this that makes any sense.  Women can’t turn off their phones?  And why, if you did turn it off, would you tell everyone it was broken?  Why not just tell them you turned it off?  And why would a broken phone make people think that you’re sleeping alone?  And if you were a boy, you’d actually prefer that people believe you are, in fact, not sleeping alone.  Seriously, I once made the kid from the remedial class do a book report on Kafka, and he made more sense than this.

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

So you expect us to believe that Beyonce does not put herself first?  Uh-huh, that seems likely.  Also, women cheat too. 

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

Still not true.

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

Huh?  What the hell just happened?

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

Ooohh…she changed point-of-view on me.  Now I get.  It still sucks, but I get it.  I guess.

But you're just a boy

Yeah.  We got it.


A note on plausible deniability – I got these lyrics off some website or another and I have now idea how accurate they are.  They sound about right, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste a minute of my precious life investigating further.




ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     Something good will happen to someone you don't like.  Probably that pedder-ass Hanrahan in accounting.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     That is contagious.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):


CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     You will lose an argument with a homeless man..

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     Everyone saw that.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     Sorry about your Mom.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     You will discover that Roofies cannot be tasted in beer..

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     Nice rash.

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     Psst...that guy over there thinks he can taste Roofies..

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     It might look bigger, but it isn't.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     How's that ceaseless whoring working out for you?

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You dance if you want to.  You can leave your friends behind.

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