ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You will pee sitting down.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     You will feel a slight pinch.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     A family member will admit to enjoying anal sex.  Surprisingly, it will not be Uncle Charlie.

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     You will make a pancake that resembles Nikola Tesla.

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     You will develop an allergy to brooms.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     Sorry, we're closed.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     Your genitals will betray you.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     Your sandwich will taste a little funny.

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     One of your fingernails will grow at an alarming rate.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     You will lose 14-27 pubic hairs.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     A loved one will pretend not to know you.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     A co-worker will fart in your car.