Archive - February 2009


 

Creative Bankruptcy, The Third

- Or -

The Pussification of America

 

     I recently ran across this gem of a quote from Clint Eastwood, and it was too good not to remember:

     ďWe live in more of a pussy generation now, where everybody's become used to saying, "Well, how do we handle it psychologically?" In those days, you just punched the bully back and duked it out. Even if the guy was older and could push you around, at least you were respected for fighting back, and you'd be left alone from then on.Ē

     If you didnít love Clint Eastwood before, then shame on you.  But more to the point, you sure should now.

     I read this quote just before this seasonís American Idol started.  Yeah, I watch it, so what?  Itís a show where people volunteer to get abused on national TV.  I can watch it and feel absolutely no remorse when I laugh at them.  Itís remorse right?  Thatís an emotion?  A negative one, yeah?  So anyway, Iím watching American Idol, and a full forty-two percent* of the male (and I use the term loosely) contestants cried.  Some before the audition, some during the audition, and some after.  Hell, it didnít seem to matter if they succeeded or not.  They all just cried.  Even my wife, the lovely Mrs. Grumpy, couldnít help but laugh at them.

               *Percent not based on actual math or scientific data.

     See, the thing is, itís not really insulting if Clint Eastwood thinks youíre a pussy.  Most people ARE pussies compared to Clint.  But me?  Iíll be the first to tell you that Iím no tough guy.  Iíve never made that claim.  So if I think youíre acting like a pussy, my friend, you have a problem.

     So I spent the next couple of weeks trying to figure out a way to make this idea long enough for the website.  And also, it needed to be funnier.  I was struggling, and then one day, I heard a song on the radio.  And my work was done.  The song is by Simple Plan, a music group that I can only assume is made up of four or five deep-voiced teenage girls whose fatherís wonít let them get their belly buttons pierced.

     Ladies and Gentlemen, the lyrics for ďPerfect,Ē by Simple Plan.


"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand


Chorus


'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

 

See?  I didnít even need to make fun of it.  It does it for me.  Man, pop music might not be good for anything else - and itís not - but it sure is making my ďjobĒ easy.  Seriously though, rock and roll (air quotes) is no place for working through your daddy issues.  Daddy issues are why you become a stripper or porn star or the girl I dated in the fall of 1988.

But I try to be helpful, so hereís a piece of advice for all the bands out there.  Remember that poem you wrote in ninth grade and stashed in the secret compartment of your Trapper Keeper?

Donít make it into a song.  It sucks.  No, I donít need to look at it.  It sucks.  Only ninth grade girls think itís ďlike really good.  I can totally relate to it.Ē  And ninth grade girls are illegal. 

 


HOROSCOPES

 

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     That's a dude.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     Don't go to your job interview drunk.  Stoned is okay, though.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     Quit picking at it.


CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     No, the pill doesn't work like it says on TV.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     You will discover that one of your friends has an extra testicle.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     No, you can't smell purple.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     Can you believe that dumb ass ^ thought he could smell a color?


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     Yes, those pants make your butt look big.


SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     There can be only one.


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     A chipmunk will poop on your deck.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You will poop on a Capricorn's deck and blame it on a chipmunk.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You will wear a raspberry beret.  The kind you find in a second hand store.


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