Archive - February 2008


 

For The Ladies, Part II

 

       Back in 2005, I penned For The Ladies, which, at the time, I believed was the end-all, be-all of advice columns that ladies would need to understand men.  But, the fact that newsstands are still overflowing with similar articles, I can only come to one of two conclusions.  Either, the article was not as comprehensive as I originally thought, or my website is not popular enough to end the need for similar articles to be printed elsewhere.

       Well, the seventh grader in me won’t accept the idea that I’m not excruciatingly popular, so it must be that I didn’t quite cover all the bases. 

       This week, we’ll tackle communications.  While I’m not sure why this is a problem, I’ll see what I can do.  I think it all goes back to my theory that women need to believe that men are complicated, perhaps it’s transference.  Women are complex creatures, and refuse to believe that they could be with a creature as simple as men seem to be (and, indeed, are).  Women don’t want the following to be true:  men are to women, as the wagon wheel is to the Mars Lander.

       I’ve created the following table of things men commonly say, and what they really mean when they say.  Women may feel free to carry it in their wallet and reference it as needed.

 

What He Said

What He Meant

 

“Hello.”

 

“Please touch my penis.”

 

“Can I carry that (box/bag/etc)?”

 

“So your hands are free to touch my penis.”

 

“I’ll have the Veal Picatta.”

 

“Please touch my penis.”

 

“I love Julia Roberts’ movies!”

 

“I bet she’d touch my penis.”

 

“The game’s on.”

 

“But you can touch my penis at halftime.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“For Christ’s sake, just touch it already!”

“I really liked your Mom.”

 

“Will you do that thing with the ice cube again?”

 

 

“No, no.  Dinner’s on me.”

 

(I don’t really need to translate this one, do I?)

 

“Will you marry me?”

 

“I quit going to the gym two months ago.”

 

“Here, I got you another margarita.”

 

“Oh, you’re touching my penis tonight.”

 

“Oh, that’s a great idea!  We should TOTALLY just be friends!”

 

 

“I’m going on a three state killing spree.  Right after I masturbate.”

 

 

“This just isn’t working out.”

 

“It's your own fault, I told you to touch my penis.”

“Happy Birthday, Honey!  I bought you that convertible you always wanted!”

 

“I’m putting it in your butt tonight.”

Alternately:

“Thanks for letting me put it in your butt.”

       I’m not sure what else needs to be said, ladies.  We just aren’t that tricky.

       If anything else comes up, I’ll be happy to address it, too.  But honestly, I’ve written two articles about men, maybe 1000 words.  That’s about 900 too many. 

 


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