Archive - December 2011
Well, I Gave It A Shot…
I tried, guys. I really did. This last month’s edition Men’s Health (the one with noted celebri-idiot, Ashton Kutcher) had an article in it on how to have great sex. I thought, “Great! I can give some equal time to how men’s magazine give horrible sex advice, too.” Well, the article was all of three paragraphs long, and was chock full of vagaries – make her feel good about herself, pay attention to her needs – that sort of thing. While it’s not particularly helpful advice, especially to a skilled lover such as myself, I can’t make fun of it. And I really, really wanted to. Fortunately, there was a copy of Cosmo right next to it. I wanted to ignore them. I tried to ignore them. But if you’re gonna keeping lobbing me softballs, I’m gonna keep swinging at them.
The December 2011 issue of
Class White Girl Problems Cosmo had an article entitled: “100
Best Sex Tips of the Year.” Of. The.
Year. Well, this was
bound to be good. I knew I
had struck gold when I opened it up. The tag line to the article?
“We combed through countless studies, books, TV series, movies,
songs and TMI celeb quotes/tweets to bring you the most daring, lustiest
pointers from 2011.” See
kids, the next time your journalism teacher gets on your ass about using
movie quotes in your papers, tell him a major periodical regularly uses
such sources. Are you
fucking kidding me? Have
they gotten so lazy they’re using celebrity tweets?
It’s like the universe is demanding that I make fun of them.
So I will.
Here are the worst offenders.
4. “One should dry-hump as much a possible: it leads to great things.” – Cameron Diaz
What the fuck?
Is Cameron Diaz in middle school?
No wonder she can’t keep a man.
11.“Spike a pasta dish with saffron. A 2011 study proved the garnish is an aphrodisiac.”
Look, maybe saffron is an aphrodisiac.
I’m not about to do the research to find out, but if you think
loading your husband up with a plate of macaroni is gonna get his motor
running, you haven’t been paying a lick of attention.
12. “A Trojan sex poll revealed the most adventurous place Americans have had sex is in a car. Abuse the backseat of your car.”
The study isn’t telling you to go have sex in your car.
That the most adventurous place Americans have had sex is in a
car isn’t a suggestion or a compliment.
The study is telling you Americans are fucking boring.
Besides, my backseat is a minefield of booster seats, stuffed
animals, and dropped cheerios. Is
that making your horny, Cosmo?
15. “Keep your standards high: A study reveals you’re more likely to O with a hottie.”
That’s right ladies, the cure to your
loneliness is impossibly high standards!
23. “Tease him all over his body with your tongue, then direct a handheld fan at the spots you licked.”
Okay, first of all, lets keep spinning
blades away from my nakedness. And
secondly, just how long does Cosmo think as licked area stays wet?
Look, if you’re licking me all over my body, just keep doing
that. I’m good with that.
33. “There’s nothing wrong with a nice garter belt…I love that sometimes.” – Heidi Klum
See, not only is this not sex advice,
it’s not even regular advice. It’s
Heidi Klum talking about an article of clothing.
But if Cosmo is going to take the liberty of extrapolating from
that the advice that all women should try wearing a garter belt, they
should take it to its logical conclusion – that all women should try
looking like Heidi Klum wearing a garter belt.
36. “When he’s going down on you, tell him to trace a devious message on your hoo-ha.”
Where do I even begin?
How about with “hoo-ha?”
Here’s a good rule of thumb: If the article you’re reading
about sex using the term “hoo-ha,” don’t take its advice.
And do you think you’re gonna know what he’s spelling.
I mean, if this technique is the least bit successful, you
won’t be paying attention to what he’s writing.
Especially, I’m assuming, if he’s a calligrapher.
Plus, if he does it at all, he’ll probably just be making a
list of all the stuff he needs from Home Depot.
Unless you use the term “hoo-ha” in your request, in which
case the message he’s spelling out is “Hoo-ha?
Are you fucking kidding?”
45. “Request a strip show from your man. Channing Tatum, Adonis himself, has been cast as an exotic dancer in the move Magic Mike.”
Yeah, don’t set yourself up for
disappointment or anything. You’ll stifle your giggling for all of about 30 seconds
before it slips out, then he’s gonna pissed at you for laughing at him
for doing something you asked him to do that he didn’t want to do in
the first fucking place. Hope
your vibrator has fresh batteries.
47. “The top songs to have on your sex playlist, according to the UCLA sex survey: anything by Marvin Gaye, Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved,” and David Guetta’s “Sexy Bitch.”
If we’re in bed and you want to see
my eyes roll back into my head, by all means, play some Maroon 5.
54. “Have a naked pillow fight.”
Don’t have a naked pillow fight.*
Someone’s gonna end up taking it too serious (me) and then
someone is gonna end up crying (also me).
*This rule does not apply if you’re both female.
56. “A Rutgers University study showed that the trick to setting off a mental orgasm is to visualize naughty thoughts and activities.”
You’re telling me that the way to have sexy thoughts is to have
sexy thoughts. If I find
out this study was funded by my tax dollars, I should be legally allowed
to slap every member of congress. Thrice.
70. “Hold the head of his penis in your mouth, and use your fingers to stroke figure eights softly on the sides of his shaft.”
Really anything after “hold the head
of his penis in your mouth” is gonna be a win.
Except maybe, “and then complain about his mother.”
76. “Tease him for a few days. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn’s Part I’s sex scene is holy-crap hot because they held out so long.”
No, buying into anything in The
Twilight Saga is why you’re alone in the first place.
It’s a movie, idiots. Period.
You putting any stock into it makes as much sense as me expecting
the nurse to give me head in the supply closet because that’s what
they do in porn movies.
77. “Shut the garage door, climb onto the hood of your car, and have your guy enter you standing up.”
“Jesus Fucking Christ, get off the
hood of the car! You’re gonna dent the damn thing!” – Does this
sound like foreplay, ladies?
82. “Try a challenge from Cosmo’s sex blog: Slide a candy necklace around your thigh and have him nibble it off.”
I don’t know about you, but I can’t
eat a candy bracelet off my own wrist without needing stitches.
So this should end well.
87. “Try The Doctor’s go-all-night smoothie for extra energy: Blend a banana, ¼ cup OJ, and skim milk, then stir in yogurt.”
If I drink that, I’m gonna go-all-night, all right.
Thanks, Cosmo. I’m sure we’re gonna do this again soon. Tell you what, ladies, if you read or hear something, and you’re not sure if it’s a good idea, email me – email@example.com - and I’ll post my reply. I’m here to help.
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