Archive - December 2008


The Black Jean Conundrum


    Some things are just cool.  A lot of things arenít.  I, for example, am not.  Never have been, and itís a little late in the game for me to ever end up cool.  And Iím okay with that, finally.  Shut up.  I really am.

    But there are some things that arenít cool, and I think that they really, really should be.  Some you canít see why theyíre not.  Others, I just canít figure out.  Here are few of them, in no particular order.

1.      Black Jeans. 

I donít get this one.  I mean, I know that they are, in fact, not cool.  I just donít get why.  Jeans are cool, right?  Thatís pretty much universal.  And the color black?  Thatís always been cool.  Women have to have black dresses.  Mob bosses wear black suits.  Bleak leather jackets?  Cool.  So why is that you combine two things generally received as cool, and you get something thatís not?

2.      Cloaks.

Maybe this oneís just me.  I really, really want cloaks to be cool.  I think they should be.  The carry with them an air of mystery and a hint of danger.  At least they do in the movies.  And thatís always cool.  Mystery and danger.  But in reality, if you wear a cloak, youíre probably on your way to squeeze in a little more training for your quest to be the ultimate Dungeon Master, or youíre 30 years old and youíre still waiting to find that special girl whoís too drunk to realize the mistake sheís about to make (hey Michelle, remember me?  No, probably not).  Maybe both.

3.      Capes.

Superheroes wear them.  Some super villains do, too.  Why canít I?  Itís like the cloak thing, isnít it?

4.      Bolo Ties.

The only time these are cool is if you happen to a bad-ass starring in a western movie.  John Wayne?  Yeah, he could pull it off.  But thatís about it.  But come on, itís a braided leather cord, with chrome-plated tips, wrapped around your neck.  It should be awesome.  I should be filled with jealousy whenever I see someone wearing one.  Instead, I just want to kick a puppy.

5.      The Ford Mustang.

Donít get me wrong.  I love the old ones, the pre-seventies era.  Classic cool.  No doubt.  Itís the news ones, the brand new ones.  They ought to be cool.  They look good, theyíve got some horsepower, they even got Carroll Shelby to pitch in and help with the design.  But they just arenít.  Through no fault of their own.  The problem with the new Mustangs is the people who tend to buy them.  Whenever I pull up next one, 9 times out of 10, the driver is clearly, and irrevocably, a horrendous, spike-haired, fake-tanned, popped-collared, steroid-injected, white-belted, hat-tilted, gold-chained douche.  I do not care for this.

   Iím sure there are others.  Things that used to cool, but now theyíve grown out of it.  Things that have never been cool, but it seems like they should be.  Things that were cool, could still be cool, and indeed should still be cool, but are ruined by the people who love them.  Maybe next time weíll investigate things that people think are cool, but they really arenít.  Iím looking at you giant celebrity sunglasses.




ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You'll need to re-evaluate your personal hygiene habits.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     Everyone hates your ring-tone.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     Don't stand downwind from an Aries.

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     No, it's not going to make you cool.

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     A Bluetooth?  Really?  You don't even have a job.  Oops.  You'll need to re-evaluate your career choices.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     Sorry about your dog.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     Your liver will explode.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     No, no.  Some guys really do like that.

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     Your Mom stabbed your Uncle Fred when you were seven.  Do not ask why.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     I forgot to tell you, if you do shave, don't use any aftershave.  Hope I'm not too late.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You slept with him, didn't you?

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You will be kung fu fighting.  It will be so exciting.

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