The Black Jean Conundrum

    Some things are just cool.  A lot of things aren’t.  I, for example, am not.  Never have been, and it’s a little late in the game for me to ever end up cool.  And I’m okay with that, finally.  Shut up.  I really am.

    But there are some things that aren’t cool, and I think that they really, really should be.  Some you can’t see why they’re not.  Others, I just can’t figure out.  Here are few of them, in no particular order.

1.      Black Jeans. 

I don’t get this one.  I mean, I know that they are, in fact, not cool.  I just don’t get why.  Jeans are cool, right?  That’s pretty much universal.  And the color black?  That’s always been cool.  Women have to have black dresses.  Mob bosses wear black suits.  Bleak leather jackets?  Cool.  So why is that you combine two things generally received as cool, and you get something that’s not?

2.      Cloaks.

Maybe this one’s just me.  I really, really want cloaks to be cool.  I think they should be.  The carry with them an air of mystery and a hint of danger.  At least they do in the movies.  And that’s always cool.  Mystery and danger.  But in reality, if you wear a cloak, you’re probably on your way to squeeze in a little more training for your quest to be the ultimate Dungeon Master, or you’re 30 years old and you’re still waiting to find that special girl who’s too drunk to realize the mistake she’s about to make (hey Michelle, remember me?  No, probably not).  Maybe both.

3.      Capes.

Superheroes wear them.  Some super villains do, too.  Why can’t I?  It’s like the cloak thing, isn’t it?

4.      Bolo Ties.

The only time these are cool is if you happen to a bad-ass starring in a western movie.  John Wayne?  Yeah, he could pull it off.  But that’s about it.  But come on, it’s a braided leather cord, with chrome-plated tips, wrapped around your neck.  It should be awesome.  I should be filled with jealousy whenever I see someone wearing one.  Instead, I just want to kick a puppy.

5.      The Ford Mustang.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love the old ones, the pre-seventies era.  Classic cool.  No doubt.  It’s the news ones, the brand new ones.  They ought to be cool.  They look good, they’ve got some horsepower, they even got Carroll Shelby to pitch in and help with the design.  But they just aren’t.  Through no fault of their own.  The problem with the new Mustangs is the people who tend to buy them.  Whenever I pull up next one, 9 times out of 10, the driver is clearly, and irrevocably, a horrendous, spike-haired, fake-tanned, popped-collared, steroid-injected, white-belted, hat-tilted, gold-chained douche.  I do not care for this.

   I’m sure there are others.  Things that used to cool, but now they’ve grown out of it.  Things that have never been cool, but it seems like they should be.  Things that were cool, could still be cool, and indeed should still be cool, but are ruined by the people who love them.  Maybe next time we’ll investigate things that people think are cool, but they really aren’t.  I’m looking at you giant celebrity sunglasses.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You'll need to re-evaluate your personal hygiene habits.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     Everyone hates your ring-tone.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     Don't stand downwind from an Aries.

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     No, it's not going to make you cool.

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     A Bluetooth?  Really?  You don't even have a job.  Oops.  You'll need to re-evaluate your career choices.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     Sorry about your dog.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     Your liver will explode.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     No, no.  Some guys really do like that.

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     Your Mom stabbed your Uncle Fred when you were seven.  Do not ask why.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     I forgot to tell you, if you do shave, don't use any aftershave.  Hope I'm not too late.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You slept with him, didn't you?

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You will be kung fu fighting.  It will be so exciting.