Archive - August 2008


Sandy Bottoms


       Okay.  So I couldn’t think of anything actually witty or smart to title a piece about going to the beach.  So I used Sandy Bottoms.  'Cause, “bottoms” makes me grin.  Shut up.  I am well aware that I have the emotionally maturity of your average thirteen year old.  Are you new here?

       As you may have guessed, we recently took a trip to the beach, which was thoroughly enjoyable, albeit every bit as not restful as anyone who has ever taken a vacation with two small children knows.  But I learned a couple of things.

       Number One.  Walt Disney hates you.  I mean really, really hates you, especially if you’re a parent.  I’m talking about the Walt Disney Company.  Not its deceased founder.  I have no idea if he hates you, but it’s entirely possible.  No offense or anything, but sometimes, you can be a bit much.

       Disney’s hatred for you takes the form of their DVD’s.  If you don’t already own one, go rent a recent release from Disney.  Now, I dare you to start it.  Go on.  I’ll wait.

       See?  Disney makes it damn near impossible to actually watch one of their movies on DVD.  Commercials and trailers and copyright warnings clog the beginning, and they turned our technology against us, disabling the Chapter Skip and sometimes even the Fast Forward functions.  Now, imagine waiting through all that crap with a two year old behind you screaming “Nemo! Nemo! Nemo!” for ten minutes straight.  I swear I think I should be allowed to punch at least one Disney employee in the face.  Hard.  Eventually, I learned one little trick that decreased the wait time from fifteen minutes to about five.  Disney has feature they call “Fast Play” on the DVD.  The trick is to never, ever use Disney’s “Fast Play.”  It is anything but.  What it does is make you watch all of those trailers and commercials and what not that you had once so joyfully been able to skip on your DVD.  Calling it “Fast Play” is akin to calling someone a “Reasonable Terrorist” or a “Tough Canadian.” 

       Number Two.  You say really, really weird stuff to your kids.  Some of it is just a lie to get out doing something that you don’t want to do.  “Ooh, sorry Timmy.  I wish you could bury me in the sand, but the doctor said I have abnormally large pores, and if I get buried in sand, it’ll block all of them and I’ll asphyxiate like that girl in the James Bond movie.  You don’t want Daddy to die, do you?”  Sometimes, the stuff you say seems okay, but then you stop and think, wait, that actually doesn’t make any sense.  Like when my wife said to our six-year-old, “Hey, that kid looks about your age, why don’t you go play with him?”

       When else does that happen?  I mean maybe in a retirement home do you go play with someone simply because they happen to be born in the same era that you were.  But it's never “Hey Bill, that guy looks about thirty, why don’t you go have drink with him?”  Or “Hey Betsy, she’s around forty, you two should go shopping together.”  No matter what age you are, you need more criteria for hanging out with someone than just respective ages.  Because some people suck.  No matter how old they are.  Nobody likes to hear it, but guess what?  Some kids are dicks.  So if you ever say to your child, “Hey, he’s about your age…” and you child looks at you like you’re the dumb girl in the back of the class, maybe it’s because you sound like the dumb girl in the back of the class.



ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     You will wish that you had Jessie's girl.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     You will begin to suspect that the "International Star Registry" is not legit..

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     You will wish that you WERE Jessie's girl.

CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     That girl has a penis.  It's bigger than yours..

LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     A baby will fart on you.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     The answer will not be "C."

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     Walmart will take your Liberian currency.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     Seven, no eight, flies will regurgitate on your ham sandwich.

SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     The condom will break.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     This is simply not going to be your month.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     Do not touch the stapler.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     Love will be a battlefield.

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