Archive - August 2006

Frites et Biere

     Thatís French for Fries and Beer.  No, really it is.  Thatís what constituted 85% of my diet during my recent trip to Europe.  God bless you, Belgium.  Mostly for not being France.  But bless you nonetheless.

     Let me just say that I love Europe.  But Iím not one of those Americans who'll run America down in comparison to Europe just to sound important or to solidify my standing as a pompous ass.  I love America, too. 

     After enjoying myself thoroughly, I return feeling that I owe the continent something for its hospitality and free flowing beer.  So I present to Europe and its peoples, a few open letters.


     Dear European Bathrooms,

     Hey, I get it.  Different strokes for different folks.  I really donít mind paying to go to the bathroom.  Honestly.  But, would you mind telling me where that money goes?  Because it doesnít go toward paper towels.  Or cleaning supplies.

     XXX OOO


     Dear European Men,

     Donít ever wear Capri pants again.  Ever.  Seriously.

     XXX OOO


     Dear 75 Lb Heroin Addict in Liege,

     On the off chance you havenít realized that you died three weeks ago, sell your leather pants, and buy a shirt.  If Mr. Mackey spoke French, heíd tell you this:  ďDrogues sont mal, díaccord?Ē

     XXX OOO


     Dear Shampoo Commercial,

     Thanks.  You know why.

     XXX OOO


     Dear Cable Censor,

     That was the most half-assed attempt at scrambling porn that Iíve ever seen.  It was like I was wearing last yearís prescription glasses.  Merci beaucoup.

     XXX OOO


     Dear Belgian Boy Scouts,

     This goes out to all three hundred of you that were on my train. 

     Youíre scary. 

     Iím not kidding.

     XXX OOO


     Dear One-Armed Dude in Aachen,

     Your prosthetic arm is hanging out of your duffel bag.  What say you pop that bad boy on?

     Just a suggestion.

     XXX OOO


     Dear Citroen,

     Thanks for making the Deux Cheveaux.  Iím serious.  I love that car.

     XXX OOO


     For anyone not familiar with the Citroen Deux Cheveaux, let me explain.  Deux Cheveaux is French for ďTwo Horses.Ē  That is approximately four times the horsepower the car actually has.  It looks like someone built a Beetle out of corrugated tin, and squeezed the sides in.

     Whatís the appeal?  Itís hard to say.  I guess itís something so appallingly unattractive that itís cute.  You know, like the Volkswagen Thing, the Pug, or Val Kilmer.

     Donít take it too hard, I still love you Europe.

     (I was thinking about you the whole time, America.  Europe didnít mean anything to me.  I swear.)


So Llama,
I am certainly not homophobic, after all I read your newsletter.  However, I have a certain disgust for the degradation of the male species in today's marketing world.  I see ads for men's lotions and I think there is actually a Secret deodorant for men now.  "Strong enough for a woman but intelligently disguised woman stuff marketed towards a man."  My recent encounter is with a good friend of mine (married, at that) who has recently shaved his chest.  Maybe even a waxing, I didn't want to know.  Regardless, is this some sort of metrosexual initiation ritual?  I have questioned my friend's wife about her desire to "be" with a little boy (kind of like a priest) but she denies having anything to do with it.  My question is: Should I be doing something to be prepared for a new world of psuedo men or should I just continue to ridicule my friend until he gets the nerve to fight back and then I can kick his ass? 
I researched the definition and it only confused me more:
Metrosexual: definition: heterosexual male who appears slightly gay due to his impeccable sense of style, belief in designer hygiene, and willingness to emote.
What does "gay" appear as?  How does someone emote?
Thanks for your kind words of wisdom,
Definitely Anti-Metro Now


Dear DAMN (Yeah, I got it.  It wasn't that subtle.),

For a minute, I thought you were about to say he shaves his, you know, lower area.  In which case I would have told you to back off.  Because doing so increases sensations and pleasure, and gives the appearance of extra inches.  Plus, it makes me feel pretty.

But his chest?  I say ridicule away.  The only time it can be justified is if your friend is an Olympic swimmer.  And even then, I'd say ridicule is called for.  I don't know if you're friend is Metrosexual or not, but your high disdain for them does raise an eyebrow regarding your own, shall we say, personal grooming inclinations.  I'm just saying.

What does "gay" appear as?  I'd say sticking your dick in other guy's butt would qualify as appearing gay.

How does someone emote?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe emoting is sticking your dick in another guy's butt, and then giving him a complementary reach around.

Hope that helps,


Hey Grumpy,

I have a wonderful boyfriend.  We get along great, he's romantic, he's sweet, blah blah blah.  We're very happy together and love each other. The thing is, I'm only 14 and a)I don't think I love him b)I don't care if I cheat on him and c)I really like him, I'm just not sure if I should tell him about the cheating.  I don't want to screw this up, but I want to be honest with him.

Skanky Girl

Dear Skanky,

Right off the bat, let me tell you boyfriend is neither romantic nor sweet.  No man is.  At best, it just means he's smart enough to know acting that way is the best route into your pants.

Let's see.  You don't love him, but do like him.  But you don't care if you cheat on him.  Sounds like you've got yourself a "friend." 

You've got two options here.  1.)  Tell him.  Result - You no longer have this "friend."  His feeling are hurt.  2.)  Keep at it.  Result - When he finds out, and he will, you no longer have this "friend."  His feelings are hurt.

No difference really.  Number 2 may carry a slightly higher risk of turning him in to a deranged stalker, but them's the breaks.

I say if he's rich, and buys you stuff, may as well string him along.  But that's just me, I'm pragmatic.  (I think it's a synonym for "shallow asshole.")

Hope that helps,


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