Archive - April 2012


Disney Porn

 

                Well, hello there, Google Image search pervs.  I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed, but we here at Grumpy Llama do appreciate the page views.

                It’s pretty well established that most child actors are going to implode in a brilliant, fantastic, train-wreck of an adulthood.  Hell, I’m surprised Vegas doesn’t have a line on it.  So, I decided to look at a few Disney stars and see how they’ll fare in the coming years.

selena

Name:  Selena Gomez

How It Will Happen:  In the not too distant future, America will find its way on the brink of ruin, forced to choose between a guy named Barack and a guy named Mitt.  The ensuing panic leads to riots in the streets and impending martial law.  Selena knows there’s only one way to right the ship – she’ll have to make a porn.  A well-lit, professionally scored movie directed by James Cameron consisting of a 90-minute threeway with Selena, Mila Kunis, and Kristen Bell.  Unsurprisingly, it works like a charm.

Timeline:  Last night.  In my dreams.  Twice.

 

Okay, fine.  Selena seems to have her head on straight, dammit.  So we’ll probably never see a Selena porn.  Unless of course, some awesome unscrupulous person were to film her unknowingly.

zackcody

Name: Zack and Cody (Fine, Dylan and Cole Sprouse, like it fucking matters)

How It Will Happen:  A leaked video of them spit-roasting a Vegas hooker as the culimantion of a two-day coke binge.  The binge will come about as their response to yet another failed comeback movie, this one a separated-at-birth romp where one of them was raised by Quakers, and the other by a misfit band of circus performers – who are Latino! (*record scratch!*question mark!)  At one point in the tryst, the hooker will look at their junk and say, “Well, I guess you’re not IDENTICAL twins.”  Then Zack will choke her to death.  The ensuing attempts to get rid of the body will play out like any one of their on-air misadventures, resulting in their capture.  The porn will be revealed during the prosecution.  When the story breaks, TMZ will hold a three hour meeting to decide between the headlines “The Not-So-Suite Life” and “The Suite Life Sentences of Zack and Cody” and will completely ignore my Twitter suggestion of “The Suite Life on Crack.”  I will then unfollow them.  Assholes.

Timeline:  2-3 years, max

 

And, Google, might I inquire as to why the fuck there was a picture of Harry Potter in my “Zack and Cody” image search.  Also, if we could keep the whole “Zack and Cody” image search between us, that’d be super.

 

kthxbye

demi

Name:  Demi Lovato

How It Will Happen:  A “leaked” tape of her and her boyfriend will appear just before her short-lived Lifetime Original Series - "Flirting With Danger: The Sarah Ballard Diaries."  She’ll deny that its her, then she’ll fake outrage and probably threaten a law suit and eventually Howard Stern will get her admit it was a ruse and then ask her why she steadfastly refused to turn her ass toward the camera.  Because he’s a classy guy, you see.  Why will she do it?  Because we all know how well teenage girls handle rejection and disappointment.  I mean, that’s when they make their best decisions.

Timeline:  Any day now…

zac

 
Note:  That is Zac in the background, foreground is Vanessa Hudgeon’s ass.

Name:  Zac Efron

How It Will Happen:  Leaked security cam footage from a Las Vegas hotel elevator.  He’ll meet a newly married young couple on their way to their room.  The wife will admit that he’s one of her five, but out of respect to the sanctity of marriage, Mr. Efron will only let her blow him.  He’s a good guy like that.

Timeline:  5-7 years.

 

*Bet you thought it was gonna be something gay, didn’t you?

miley

Name:  Miley Cyrus

How It Will Happen:  Grainy cell phone footage from an Ecstasy-fueled romp.  Her newest boyfriend will have talked Miley into a threesome, but, he insists, “It has to be the good kind.”  Because he's been burned by the that ambiguity one time too many.  After many failed attempts, the only girl Miley can get to agree to it is her chubby friend from back home with a rebel flag tattoo on her lower back and a penchant for eating pork rinds mid-coitus.  It is labeled by the internet as one of the biggest disappointments in online porn since Paris Hilton.  It will get 73 million views.

Timeline:  see “Demi Lovato”

 

 

 



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