April 2009

Gold diggers get a bad rap. And maybe they should. But they don’t really affect my life, so what the hell do I care? I do however think that these women need to set their sights appropriately. I’ve seen women on television proclaiming that a man needs to have money before she’ll go out with him. Okay, I can appreciate the honesty. Problem is, a lot of these women, aren’t…up to the task, shall we say. So, to help, I created the table below as a reference to all women looking to become gold diggers.

First off, you’ll need to establish just how attractive you really are. No, this has nothing to do with what you see in the mirror. Your vision is going to be skewed by either your very low, or unjustifiably high, self-esteem. You need to gather 8-10 guys that you’ve already had sex with and get them drunk. You’ll need to have already slept with them so that their desire to bed you does not throw off the numbers. Once they are good and drunk - say 12 to 15 beers - ask them to rate you on a scale of one to ten. Then take the average (that means add them all up then divide by the number of guys you asked … aw, you know what, have someone do this for you). If you can’t find this many guys you’ve already slept with, then you’re not slutty enough to be a successful gold digger. But if you want to try anyway, do the same as above with guys you haven’t slept with, then subtract 1-1/2 points from the average. Because they are lying to get into your pants. Because they are guys. That’s what we do. Once you have your number, refer to the chart below.

Ranking	Metal Digging Level	What You Can Reasonably Expect
10	Platinum	Aim high. If you can weasel your way into Billionaire circles, you’ll likely land a spot as one of his mistresses. That means a really nice condo in the city of his choosing, a credit card, a driver, and a gym membership. Billionaires don’t have to put up with fatties. A 9.5 can also sneak in here if you have really big boobs. I mean, big. A 9 has a slim shot of getting in here, but in addition to those boobs, you’ll need exceptional oral skills and a willingness to do anal.
9	Gold	You’ll do well. Millionaire is not an outlandish goal for you. A pro athlete would be an appropriate target for you. You’ll need a high-tolerance for infidelity, and should expect that you will not be given such leeway yourself. On the other hand, you get to drive a Bentley and all you have to do for it is have sex with a guy who’s in great shape. You won’t find too many 8’s sneaking into this category, because everyone knows most 9’s are just 8’s with huge boobs.
8	Silver	You should be able to snag a guy making healthy 6-figures. CEO of mid-sized company kind of thing. You’ll get a new Volvo every few years, and you’ll be expected to have a child or two. You’ll also need to be a decent conversationalist at company outings. Oh sure, it’s a little more work than 9’s and 10’s have to do, but don’t blame them. You should have been prettier.
7	Bronze	Middle manager, middle manager, middle manager. Start hanging out in the clubhouse at your local public golf course, and you’ll find your guy. He may break into a 6-figure salary near the end of his career, and until then, you’ll be enjoying your late 1980’s split level and raising your three kids. When the youngest starts school, you’ll be expected to get a job, but don’t worry, it’ll only be part-time. For you fifteenth wedding anniversary, he’ll surprise you with an above-ground pool.
6	Copper	You know that guy who changes your oil and just got made regional manager? You better jump on him before the other 6’s find out. Especially Margaret, she puts out on the third date, and if she gets to him first, you’re done. You’ll rent a crappy one bedroom in a rough neighborhood for ten years before buying a little condo on the ground floor of a refurbished textile complex on the outskirts of town. The upside is you’ll never have to pay for routine maintenance on your Ford Taurus.
5	Aluminum	Aluminum, because that’s what trailers are made of. Hey, don’t get mad at me, I didn’t tell you to become a parasite trying to live off your looks. If you’re lucky, it’s a double-wide and your man won’t go through too many bouts with unemployment. You’ll drink to escape, but it won’t work. You’ll eventually get back into shape so you can hit on the UPS guy because they make “pretty good money.” But he’s gay, and even if he wasn’t, he could do better than you. 7 kids may sound like a lot, but it beats working, right?
4	Not Applicable	Go to college. A good one.

Well, that's not really something we do here. But because I believe in giving back to the community, I'll give you some tips. Here's what you need;

FYI, this also how I would answer the question : "How should I jazz things up in the bedroom?" Chicks love that stuff.