Archive - April 2009


She Ainít Nothiní But AÖ

 

     Gold diggers get a bad rap.  And maybe they should.  But they donít really affect my life, so what the hell do I care?  I do however think that these women need to set their sights appropriately.  Iíve seen women on television proclaiming that a man needs to have money before sheíll go out with him.  Okay, I can appreciate the honesty.  Problem is, a lot of these women, arenítÖup to the task, shall we say.  So, to help, I created the table below as a reference to all women looking to become gold diggers.

     First off, youíll need to establish just how attractive you really are.  No, this has nothing to do with what you see in the mirror.  Your vision is going to be skewed by either your very low, or unjustifiably high, self-esteem.  You need to gather 8-10 guys that youíve already had sex with and get them drunk.  Youíll need to have already slept with them so that their desire to bed you does not throw off the numbers.  Once they are good and drunk - say 12 to 15 beers - ask them to rate you on a scale of one to ten.  Then take the average (that means add them all up then divide by the number of guys you asked Ö aw, you know what, have someone do this for you).  If you canít find this many guys youíve already slept with, then youíre not slutty enough to be a successful gold digger.  But if you want to try anyway, do the same as above with guys you havenít slept with, then subtract 1-1/2 points from the average.  Because they are lying to get into your pants.  Because they are guys.  Thatís what we do.  Once you have your number, refer to the chart below.

 

Ranking

Metal Digging Level

What You Can Reasonably Expect

10

Platinum

Aim high.  If you can weasel your way into Billionaire circles, youíll likely land a spot as one of his mistresses.  That means a really nice condo in the city of his choosing, a credit card, a driver, and a gym membership.  Billionaires donít have to put up with fatties.  A 9.5 can also sneak in here if you have really big boobs.  I mean, big.  A 9 has a slim shot of getting in here, but in addition to those boobs, youíll need exceptional oral skills and a willingness to do anal.

9

Gold

Youíll do well.  Millionaire is not an outlandish goal for you.  A pro athlete would be an appropriate target for you.  Youíll need a high-tolerance for infidelity, and should expect that you will not be given such leeway yourself.  On the other hand, you get to drive a Bentley and all you have to do for it is have sex with a guy whoís in great shape.  You wonít find too many 8ís sneaking into this category, because everyone knows most 9ís are just 8ís with huge boobs.

8

Silver

You should be able to snag a guy making healthy 6-figures.  CEO of mid-sized company kind of thing.  Youíll get a new Volvo every few years, and youíll be expected to have a child or two.  Youíll also need to be a decent conversationalist at company outings.  Oh sure, itís a little more work than 9ís and 10ís have to do, but donít blame them.  You should have been prettier.

7

Bronze

Middle manager, middle manager, middle manager.  Start hanging out in the clubhouse at your local public golf course, and youíll find your guy.  He may break into a 6-figure salary near the end of his career, and until then, youíll be enjoying your late 1980ís split level and raising your three kids.  When the youngest starts school, youíll be expected to get a job, but donít worry, itíll only be part-time.  For you fifteenth wedding anniversary, heíll surprise you with an above-ground pool.

6

Copper

You know that guy who changes your oil and just got made regional manager?  You better jump on him before the other 6ís find out.  Especially Margaret, she puts out on the third date, and if she gets to him first, youíre done.  Youíll rent a crappy one bedroom in a rough neighborhood for ten years before buying a little condo on the ground floor of a refurbished textile complex on the outskirts of town.  The upside is youíll never have to pay for routine maintenance on your Ford Taurus.

5

Aluminum

Aluminum, because thatís what trailers are made of.  Hey, donít get mad at me, I didnít tell you to become a parasite trying to live off your looks.  If youíre lucky, itís a double-wide and your man wonít go through too many bouts with unemployment.  Youíll drink to escape, but it wonít work.  Youíll eventually get back into shape so you can hit on the UPS guy because they make ďpretty good money.Ē  But heís gay, and even if he wasnít, he could do better than you.  7 kids may sound like a lot, but it beats working, right?

4

Not Applicable

Go to college.  A good one.

 

 

     Good luck out there, ladies!


Dear Grumpy Llama,

 

I was looking for recipes to cook grumpy llama (as we're having that for dinner tonight) and there isn't one @#$*in recipe on your web-site. Very disappointing.
 
I really need to find out how to remove the spit gland before I dispatch the beast.
 

 

Steve R.

 

 

Dear Mr. R.,

 

Well, that's not really something we do here.  But because I believe in giving back to the community, I'll give you some tips.  Here's what you need;

 

   1.  Marjoram

   2.  Olive Oil

   3.  Saran Wrap

 

You should be able to figure out the rest.

 

FYI, this also how I would answer the question : "How should I jazz things up in the bedroom?"  Chicks love that stuff.

 

Hope that helps,

 

Grumpy

 


HOROSCOPES

 

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

     Two lesbian Cardinals will move into your birdhouse.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

     A homeless guy will trip you.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21):

     That mayo does not have much time left.


CANCER (June 22- July 22):

     The Chinese will reject your proposal.


LEO (July 23 - August 22):

     She will find out that's not a really your penis.


VIRGO (August 23 - September 22):

     You do not want to kiss your Mom at next week's family dinner.  Trust me.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22):

     Yeah, that's pretty big.


SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):

     Your boss is going to check your browser history.


SAGITTARIUS ( November 22- December 21):

     He's going to "miss."


CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19):

     The drive-thru guy did not wash his hands.


AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18):

     You will develop a severe allergy to the adhesive holding your pasties on.


PISCES (February 19 - March 20):

     You're gonna be the man who walks 500 miles.


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