Vocabulary, Bitches!

                I heard once that English is the hardest language to learn.  For all I know, that’s true.  Of course, it could just be that a lot of Americans are stupid and lazy.  Well, to help you out, I’ve compiled a list of commonly misused words to clarify the meanings and proper usages.  I know, I know, it’s like I’m running for Mother Teresa.

Complimentary vs. complementary:  complimentary is giving praise or something done freely, complementary is mutually supplying each other’s lack, or when something goes with something.  For example, a complimentary hand job would be one where you don’t expect anything in return (or as I like to call it, Plan A) or one where you say nice things about me, like how you could get lost in my eyes, or how I’m surprisingly well-endowed for a Caucasian.   A complementary hand job is where you give me one while I finish my beer, because hand jobs and alcohol just go together.

Affect vs. effect:  affect is the verb, effect is the noun.  Example, strip clubs will affect your wallet.  What’s the effect?  It’s now empty.  Of course, you have just seen a bunch of naked women, so it’s not so bad.  Plus, $9 Miller Lites. 

Your vs. you’re:  Your is possessive.  You’re is the contraction of “you are.”  For example, if you don’t like someone, you’d say – “You’re a fucking asshole.”  Whereas, “your fucking asshole” would refer to someone’s second anus, and one which is dedicated solely for the purpose of having anal sex.  This one probably won’t come up very often, but it is grammatically correct.

To vs. too vs. two:  Two is a number, too means also or very, to is direction or preposition.  

    “Those two girls are going to Jim’s party tonight and said we could have a three-way, but I’ll be too drunk to get an erection.”   (editor’s note – don’t get too drunk to be in a three-way, get drunk enough to be in a three-way)

Flammable vs. inflammable:  It’s a trap!  They both mean the same thing. 

    “Jesus, Billy, I told you that pubic hair was flammable.”  

    “No, you said it was inflammable!” 

    Fuck you, English language.

Accept vs. except:  accept means to agree to something, except means to refuse or leave out.   For example, the head cheerleader might say to you, “I accept your invitation to prom.  And after the dance, you can put it anywhere, except my butt.” 

    I’m kidding of course, all cheerleaders do anal.

 Imply vs. infer:  implying is done by the speaker, inferring by the listener. 

    “Jeez, I only fixed your car because you implied I’d get a blowjob.”  

    “No, I didn’t.  I’d said I’d be grateful.  You inferred you’d get a blowjob.” 

    “So........no blowjob?”

It’s vs. its: its means belonging to it, it’s is the contraction of it is.  

    “Honey, tonight let’s try a little prostate stimulation, but remember, it’s not a self-lubricating orifice.” 

    Vs.  

    “The dog won’t look at me since I used its leash for a little autoerotic asphyxiation.”

Lose vs. loose:  lose is to misplace something, to no longer be in possession.  Loose is the opposite of tight, also, slutty. 

    “You do not want to lose your virginity to your aunt, trust me.  She’s related to you, and she’s not even that good in bed.” 

    “Are you saying my aunt is loose?” 

    “Yes, yes I am.”  

    “Thanks for that, Uncle Jimmy.”

Their vs. they’re: there is possessive, belonging to them, there is the contraction of they are. 

    “Do you think 3 bottles of Boone’s Farm is enough to get those girls to take their clothes off?”  

    “Dude, they’re in high school.”  

    “So, 2 bottles?”

Whose vs. who’s: whose is possessive, who’s is the contraction of who is.  At the glory hole – “Whose dick is this?”  At the guy who just cut in line at the glory hole – “Who’s this dick?”

Hmm…this was supposed to be longer.  Oh well.

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